Do I Even Have a Resolution This Year?

It’s funny, who really believes in horoscopes? For all of you that know me, you already know that I DO!!! But pretty much since December 28th, I’ve been feeling different. They say the New Year and birthdays bring change to life. If you ask me, that is total BS. I mean hellooo, any day can bring change…but interestingly this time, it really happened on my birthday. Perhaps because for the first time, well, I just didn’t care. I didn’t give a rip that I was another year older, another year past where I thought I would be. This year, rather, I thought to myself, I don’t really given an F what anyone thinks of my life. All I can do is live it and ensure it is to my best ability. So this evening when I read my horoscope, it didn’t surprise me in the least:

If you have less energy than usual and you can't seem to get going on your latest round of projects, you may need to spend some time alone.

Funny, because I feel like I’m not centered on anything right now. I keep thinking I should be blogging, I should be working out, I should be partying with friends, I should be working on my final, I should be dating!!!..but all I can think is I want everyone to leave me alone…even men! What the hell? Where did that come from? Lately, surprisingly, I feel like everyone has been asking me out. Okay, fine, not everyone but it occurred to me when I went to a party yesterday that damn, I do get asked out a lot! A girl approached me, clearly interested in my friendly attitude and what it was all about….”You mean, men just ask you out?” she inquired, shocked look upon her face?

“Uh ya, I guess. But take it from me, just cause they ask you out doesn’t mean they are worth a crap!”

She looked at me appalled and rather shyly begged to know where I meet them, who I know that they know, how I act and what my response is. I told her I meet them in grocery stores and at football games, I don’t know anyone they know, much less who the hell they are, when they ask me for my number they are anywhere from drunk to sober, pathetic to player and who are they? Well honey, they are all, very likely, no good. As I told her, using my standard confidence and strong voice, that sure someday I hoped to meet him but…well...I realized that I am pathetic. I have become a professional dater and it actually makes me sad to be this way. While she was thinking I was light years ahead of her because, yes I have had 100 first dates, I was thinking, here is this girl afraid of the world and she is going to be in a relationship before I get a third date. How do I go into a conversation feeling so strong and come out feeling like crap?

But it brings me to my main point that despite all my dating, I really for the first time, think I am done. There have been, I’d guess, 5 – 8 guys that have called, asked me out, expressed interest since December 1st, and surprisingly, for the first time ever, I don’t even care what they have to say. Now you who know me are thinking oh boy, she’s throwing all her eggs in the Vegas basket, but you are incorrect there. I’m really not. I will not deny that he definitely keeps my interest. Hello! He calls when he says he will and keep the promises he makes. Sure, I have a couple eggs in that basket but you know me, I’d typically go on dating! But suddenly I just can’t. I can’t be bothered. I don’t care that the man who makes six, no probably seven digit figures is asking me out. I don’t give a crap that the Padres executive wants everything to do with me. I don’t care if you know my friend and they claim you are a good guy. Nope, for the first time ever, I really, honestly don’t care. What has gotten into me?

I’m nervous that I just don’t trust men anymore. I mean do I have reason to? 2009 was a year of meeting “good” guys who just weren’t into me…okay until November that is….but prior to then and even after, yes I fell for the ones who just weren’t into me. It’s funny because as I was talking to a friend today she explained it perfectly. I told her that it sucks because all men think women are crazy but we aren’t, men make us crazy! And that is when she reminded me that, shit I don’t remember for the life of me what she reminded me of, but at the time, it was very important. If I remember (or she does) I’ll post as a comment!...I should likely stop drinking wine…

What is my New Year’s Resolution this year? Of course it’s to end up with someone wonderful, a man who loves me whole heartedly. But it’s also to look back on the things I’ve done wrong. Perhaps I do fall too fast, become in love with the idea of being in love far too quickly. Maybe the best thing for me right now is to focus on me. And of course hold onto the one who’s farther away in the back of my mind. I wonder if it is better to kinda, sorta hold hope that someone in another state at least enjoys my company. I find that if I am after a guy here I have more expectations. If he lives 10 miles away you better be sure that I expect him to hang out with me on certain nights and call on particular others. But with someone far away, well it all goes out the door. I can only have so many expectations and they are 4 to 6 weeks away from each other. That sucks to be honest, but maybe a little patience is good for me to learn.

2010 is going to be my most structured, toughest year. I’m going back to school for my bachelors in a completely unrelated subject than I happen to be now. I want a career change. I want a man, but most importantly I want to understand myself. Last year I learned about who I was, this year I want to understand who I’ve become.

So then, what is my New Year’s resolution? To be honest, I still am very unsure. I don’t know what I want or expect out of this year. However, I hope that everyone who knows or comes to know me, realizes that I do everything with intent. So if you are a dick and want to date me but request me not to write about me…easy, don’t be a dick. And if you are my friend and are wondering why I have been more out of touch lately, maybe I’m trying new things, try to be happy for me. Life isn’t easy. Hell you can pay people for the answers and guess what, they still aren't always clear. All I know is life is a test and trial and even when I am happy and married, there will still be trials, so tonight, the 2nd day of January I’m just going to be content which who and what I have and take life one day at a time. And I’m going to be a little more selfish this year. It’s time to care about me, and my needs. It’s likely, if you are reading this, that it’s also time for you to take care of your own.