Where has Texting Taken Us?

What happened to the good old days? Put your Iphone down for just a second, close your eyes and think back to the days when there was only one phone for use in your family home. Worse yet it was screwed to a wall…yes…in the kitchen…in which your mother cooking dinner could hear each.and.every.word.you.said. The days when we as kids would save up our allowance, just to go buy a 25 foot extended phone cord that yes, still connected to the blasted phone on the kitchen wall, but would nearly reach across the house to the laundry room, in which you would close the door so tightly on that cord, the little wires would show through after a month or so. Somehow, we found a way to make ourselves comfortable crooking our neck with the phone caught in between chin and shoulder, just so we could hear our boyfriends…say absolutely nothing. (Not much has changed!). How many hours could I waste on the phone in those days, saying nothing? Mom had her ways, too, always starting a load of laundry at 8 p.m. sharp, right when the phone would ring and I would have to fight to hear my love interests voice, while the laundry machine was screaming and bouncing all about. Yeah, you all remember…try adding in little brothers running around shouting, horses neighing for their feeding outside, a bulldozer working on some crazy project my parents were suddenly into, and my little sister picking up the phone from the other end, every five seconds, screaming, “Get off! It’s my turn!” Oh, the good old days. These were the times, before there was call waiting, before there were cell phones, and long before there was texting.

I think texting is superb. In fact, it only took me three months of being sent outrageous charges on my cell phone bill, for going over my 50 text limit that I finally gave in and paid the measly five extra dollars it would cost to text anyone and everyone, any day, any time. Finally I can text someone while doing my grocery shopping instead of roaming around, unaware of what I’m buying because I just have to know what happened with so and so. I can keep the juicy details to myself instead of allowing the rest of the store to hear what happened with so and so too! No offense people, but I do not want to hear about your babies daddy while I am doing my shopping! Honestly, text! If you are running late, there is nothing better than being able to grab your phone and text, ‘stuck in traffic, be there in ten’. Or let’s say you are on a miserable date, nothing works better than texting your BFF, ‘call me! 9-1-1 emergency, this guy is a 0!’. And of course, texting comes in handy when you are at the bar on a Sunday afternoon and your mother calls, desperate to chit chat, you can text ‘sorry ma, call you tomorrow!’. Yes, texting is fantastic.

But this leads to another point, sure I can text my mother. In fact, I had to when I was in the hospital. I could not get phone reception while on my death bed, but luckily, miraculously, what do you know, I could text. ‘In the hospital, blood clots, trouble’. Now people, this type of text should only be used in emergencies. Especially when your parents are the types to freak out and fly straight to San Diego to make sure you are still alive. What’s worse is unbenounced to you, the staff has moved you to the maternity ward due to lack of space anywhere else. They have also chosen to withhold all information to your parents. Yes, this type of text nearly gives your parents a heart attack when they get to the maternity ward, suddenly thinking you’ve been knocked up. Oops! But anyway, back to the story line, shouldn’t there be an age limit on texting? (As a matter of fact, shouldn’t there be an age limit on facebook? I mean come on mom , its FACEbook NOT FAMILYbook! No, I don’t want you to see random shots of me playing beer pong and dancing with my boobs falling out, no, no, no!). It cracks me up when anyone my mother’s age talks about texting. What’s worse is watching them do it. They stare down the phone, so determined to succeed in this major endeavor. Tongue slightly pushed out between both tightly squeezed lips, they concentrate on each and every letter. They always go beyond the 160 characters you are allowed because they don’t abbreviate a damn thing and they treat texting as though the person receiving may be reading their favorite novel. In fact, I have heard more people in this age group cuss out of frustration from texting. Just the other day my boss said, “I sent her a text,” and my coworker and I busted out laughing, as if it were the strangest thing we’d heard all day. Imagine texting on the Jitterbug, the phone that’s the size of your backpack, primarily for older people! Texts are likely a size 40 font! Put that in your front pocket on vibration!

This all leads me to my next subject. Older people are terrible at abbreviating texts but hasn’t the younger generation taken the abbreviations too far? LOL no longer means laugh out loud, it means shut the hell up and stop texting me because I have nothing else to say; therefore I will say LOL and just pretend that I think you are funny. When I think something is funny, I am sure to write lol,lol,lol…just like that. Three times in the message so people know they should keep up their funny talk. About a year ago my friend Gina brought me up to date on text abbreviations. As a teen of the 80’s I was a bit addicted to the word lame. In fact, to me everyone was super lame. This included my parents, my teachers, my sister, pretty much everyone other than my very unlame friends (at that time). If I thought you were stupid, I told you, “You are lame.” I would personalize the word as in, “You are such a lamo.” I couldn’t get enough of the word. So how do you think I would feel about a response to a very funny text saying LMAO! It happened and I thought, what an idiot, misspelling lamo! It’s L.A.M.O. you dumbass, not L.M.A.O. I remember clearly taking it to Gina and asking WTF is this? Why would someone write LMAO? She asked, “Were you being funny?” Little did I know what it actually meant. I like too that we Americans can so easily add the F word to absolutely anything. Laughing my ass off went immediately to LMFAO…I’m gonna start adding a B to the end of it and see if people know I’m calling them a bitch, ha! LMFAOB! Then they even get worse, I mean ROTFL? Who honestly rolls on the floor while laughing? I mean seriously! Don’t send this text! It’s terrible because without fail, I cannot help but imagine YOU rolling on the damn floor laughing and honestly, it is terrible!

Texting has improved life in some other ways. For instance, I believe it has assisted with minimizing road rage. When I was in a hurry, I used to sit at the red lights, banging my palm on the steering wheel, looking in the rear view and side mirrors frantically, whispering curse words and calling people MOFO’s, all because I wasn’t on time. But now, even when late, I actually look forward to red lights! Nothing is more frustrating than being in the middle of a text and suddenly having to put your phone in your lap so you can do what you are in the car to do, drive. Up until a year ago, I had never once hoped a light would turn red. Now, I’d say that I hope for a red light at least once a day. I bet there are fewer people furious on the road because there is always someone to send a WTF to on the other end of your phone.

Is anyone these days though, familiar with text etiquette? Is there not anything worse than having a text conversation, let’s say 20 or 30 texts going back and forth and suddenly, the other person stops writing back? I immediately go into freak out stage, OMG, WTF did I do? I am SOL! Did he stop texting because he is ROTFL with someone else? And BTW, did you think I meant FU2? IDK!! Yes, people (men), when you don’t write back, we women freak out! So have some text etiquette. Until the conversation is over, text back, even if it’s just a That said however, must texts go on and on? At times I feel like I should text back but really have nothing else to say. Maybe I should start my own text abbreviation, IOURBAS…I’m out you are boring as S***.

Of course, there is one text that you should not send, never, no matter what your situation. Do not dump someone via text. This is absolutely the worst thing you can do, trust me here. There is nothing you can write in that 160 character text that will make sense to the person who is being dumped. And if you think you already have that solved because you have written a message in six texts back to back and you will send them one after the other, do not be mistaken they will come out all wrong, one in front of the other. For instance, it may read something like this:
Any longer because hurting you is also hurting me and maybe someday it would be
I am gay and going to start dating men. Please tell your mother hello and that she cooks
Terrible but I just can’t go on because I don’t deserve you. There are so many others that are
better. You are too independent to be with me who has no job, no family, no car. What are

On the other hand, be careful about asking women out with texts. This is very dangerous territory. Men, I know you don’t understand women. You think we constantly change our minds and don’t know what we want, (get over it, we do!), but seriously, if you are sending us a text, ‘hey meet me for a drink Friday after work’. Guess what? We think it is a date! We will show up in our cutest new $200 jeans and high heels and work it because while you happen to be thirsty on a Friday at 5, we think you are asking us out! Beware! I have had so many texting relationships with men now that it makes me wonder if someday, one of them will ask me to marry them that way. ‘Jenny, will you marry me?’ Can you imagine? What if the satellites went down and you never got my response? Or what if I wanted to say no, so I just pretended it never happened? OMG, can you imagine?

Below is a listing of some texting abbreviations found online that made me chuckle:
^URS Up Yours
YRYOCC Your on your own cookoo clock
WTMI Way too much information
WTFWYCM Why the f**k won’t you call me?
VBS Very big smile
S^ What’s up?
SITCOM Single income, two children, oppressive mortgage
P2U4URAQTP Peace to you for you are a cutie pie (this should be followed with WTF)
OICU812 Oh, I see you ate one too (OMG, ate what??
NNCIMINTFZ Not now chief, I’m in the F*n zone
NEET Not currently engaged in employment, education or training
IWBAPTAKYAIYSTA I will buy a plane ticket and kick your ass if you say that again
ISH Insert Sarcasm here
HHO1/2K Ha ha only ½ kidding
GSYJDWURMNKH Good seeing you, just don’t wear your monkey hat
Banana Code word for penis? Really? Parents, watch out!
*$ Starbucks

Wow, there is a long list online, seriously for those of you that have kids (or pervs for parents) you should probably check that out!