My List

I have studied quite a few religions. I can’t necessarily say I belong to one or the other but I recall an awakening moment in a Kabbalah class I took years ago. One night the instructor asked, “What do you tell yourself daily?” At the time I thought, shut up you freak. Yes, I was there trying to learn but he sang weird songs and wore some funny little hat upon his head.

Appearing appalled, I laughed, like I normally would when faced with an uncomfortable comment. “What do you mean, what do I tell myself daily? What do you think I tell myself? I tell myself that I want to find Mr. Right! That someday I hope to have a relationship as strong as my parents have. That I want to be loved, and cherished, and yet love and cherish that person back equally.”

“Okay, so where do you think you are going wrong?” he asked, challenging me. “Do you believe these things are going to happen? Or do you say you ‘want’ these things and then follow it with a thought that tells the universe you don’t ever think these things will come true.” What the hell? Did this man know how badly I wanted to find a man who suited me? “Do you ever just turn in, pleading for what you want, then roll over and cry yourself to sleep, convincing yourself that you will never actually find any of it?”

Immediately my eyes filled with tears. I couldn’t admit to the class that he had nailed every one of my thoughts. Sure, I’d prayed for miracles but didn’t I follow those dreams, doing exactly what he was saying? I constantly found myself rolling over and letting the thoughts of misery fill my head; I am alone, miserable and will never find anyone to love me the way I desire. So here I was, telling the universe EXACTLY what I thought I deserved, without ever speaking a word. It’s in our thoughts, every minute, every day. We have to be clear, and concise, and true to ourselves. If we have fears, we have to unmistaken ably want those inhibitions to go away, not hold onto them, using them as the only excuse we have that we are single. So hadn’t I, by telling myself during my personal pity parties that I would never find anyone to love me, telling the world exactly how I wanted to be treated? It’s time to be true!

I was reminded this evening to look within. Last year, this time, I assembled a secret board. Sure, it was a trend, (who doesn’t follow trends), but I had genuine hope that if I put up what I wanted and read it every single day, I would be true to myself, telling the universe what I really wanted. So I sat down and made my list. I hung it on my secret board, right next to the hip, waist and bust measurements I desired, my yearn to be one of Oprah’s best-selling authors, the check that was written out for one million dollars. I tacked it amongst my biggest dreams and I read it to myself every day. I was convinced that I had what it took to be a wonderful mate to my most suited man. Wouldn’t you know the last guy I was with became so uncomfortable with my list that he literally requested I destroy it. At the time I was pissed, how dare he ask me to rid myself of my dreams? It quickly hit though, this loser saw me as his perfect match and it pained him to know I was looking for everything but what he was. At any rate, I removed my dreams and tossed them into the garbage, yearning to be happy with what little I had at the time.

‘Character contributes to beauty. If fortifies a man as his youth fades. A mode of conduct, a standard of courage, discipline, fortitude, integrity can all do a great deal to make a man beautiful’

I’m 30 something and this is the prime of my life, the time to send the message out again, not only to the universe, but also to myself. I worry so much about what men want in me that I don’t even know what I want anymore. I thrive so much on a person paying attention to me, even when it isn’t nearly enough that I settle for less than I deserve. It’s time I relook my list and settle for nothing less. Why exhaust myself with all this dating, when really, they don’t bring to the table, the things most important to me?

What do I want in the next 10 yrs while I’m vibrant, footloose and fancy free? How about in my forties, when I start to slow down and look forward to a home cooked meal (certainly not prepared by me) and a glass of wine in front of the fireplace. Soon after what do I expect in my fifties when I’m menopausal and feeling like I never did enough. Then when I’m 60 to 70 and old and tired. How about at 80 when I have terrible vision and drive even worse than I do now? At 90, when I need a hip replacement and have no control of my foul mouth? And finally at 100, cause God knows that’s what women live to!

So me…what do I want? I have to free my mind from all the men I’m dating. Stop thinking about what I want to make it work with any one of them. This comes down to me, what I want in characteristics, upbringing, integrity, and intention. These are the things that I want.

I want a man who….

1. Loves me more than he has ever loved anyone else. Even if he has been hurt by that woman, he thought was ‘the one’ in the past, I want him to be so taken by my kindred spirit, kindness and dedication that he loves me in a different way than he has ever loved before. Because I guarantee I will love him in the same way.

2. He must be self confident. I’m not looking for cocky, but I want someone who knows what he wants and is striving to achieve his positive goals. I won’t tolerate a man who becomes embarrassed or upset because he isn’t happy with whom he is.

3. I want him to have been brought up in an old fashioned manner, knowing it is important to open doors for women. The man who races to open your side of the car door is a keeper. He will be the one to send you flowers just because and not think you are crazy because you cry.

4. Physical affection is a must. I want a man who is not embarrassed to have me on his arm and he shows his affection, not in an inappropriate way, but in a style that lets me know I am the number one girl in his life. I can often be desperate for affection. I also want to feel that chemistry enough to show him physical attention, too.

5. He has to take control. I am not controlling in relationships. When put to the test, I will always surrender and text or call to find out when I will see him again. I do this, and I hate this part of me. I want a man who wants me so bad that he doesn’t care how long he gets to see me, he calls, and makes it happen. I don’t fight, I don’t bicker, I’m not a control freak. In my relationships, it is the duty of the man to take control.

6. Healthy and takes care of himself. I pride myself on always looking and feeling my best. I need someone who is just as active and does not try to take my time at the gym away from me. Instead he should want to join me and spend that time together.

7. I want to get married, not tomorrow, but someday. I want a man who will commit to me, willing to be with me forever. Travel with me, care for me in times of need and see the world with me. I don’t care if he’s been married before, but I do care that he sees it in his future again.

8. He cannot be intimidated by my independence. I have been single a long-timeand the man I love will not try to be better than me or make me feel less worthy about my successes. He will see me as strong, yes, but also weak for him, knowing this has nothing to do with my independence. He will admire that I want to often do things on my own.

9. He needs to sleep. Talking in his sleep, not sleeping at all, snoring profusely, these would all be warnings to me. I sleep often and I sleep hard. In fact, sleeping is one of my favorite things to do. It would have to be an activity we could both get enjoy together.

10. Humorous, he has to have a sense of humor. He can’t be the only one that thinks he’s funny. He also must understand my often indecent humor and thrive off it. A relationship, to me, is about laughing together, enjoying one another’s quirks. Being able to laugh at ourselves and others would bring us closer together.

11. When he kisses me, he must make me smile. Best if my stomach stir warm and my palms slightly sweat. If he kisses me and that in turn makes me smile, we are in good shape. I don’t ever want that to go away.

12. He should cook, or at least not get upset that I am not confident in this area.

13. Cheaters never win and I will absolutely not accept someone who cheats. If he wanted out, he could get out. Cheating is the most powerful way of hurting someone and I would never accept it.

14. I want him to listen. I want him to be intrigued by what I have to say, even if it is about a bad day. I want him to know about my childhood, what stirs me, in which I hope to go someday and what I aspire for us to be. I don’t want him to cut me off every time I speak.

15. I want a manly man. I try but can’t handle the metro sexual. I want a man who can wrap his arms around me and make me melt, knowing he will protect me from the world. I want to feel safe and protected in my manly mans arms.

16. I want a man who works hard. Not just in the office. I want a handy man. Someone who knows how to fix the screen door or the garbage disposal. I can lay tile and so can he; hopefully. I enjoy working on fixtures and think it can bring a couple together, and it is therefore important that he is a manly jack of all trades.

17. He should see me as a good mother figure. No, I’m not 100% on having kids. To be honest, I could take them or leave them. But if he sees me with my best friends children, or worries about me being around his own that he had from a previous relationship, he will see me as a strong mother figure. Secure and safe for children to relate to.

18. He can’t be afraid of needles. He should understand the health issues of my past and know how to care for me in times of need. At the point of pregnancy or even an accident, he would know what measure he had to take and he would want to take them to keep me alive and healthy.

19. He must be successful. He has to have a job that pays enough so that he can take me out nice places and do special things. He can’t be cheap with his pocketbook. I can’t handle frugalness. Being cautious about your money is great, being a cheapass is not.

20. We will go out places together. There is nothing like a quiet night at home but I can’t be a homebody. He will think of fun things for us to do together and invite me out to things we can go to as a couple. He will never be the sit at home and do nothing type. Going out and enjoying a good time together is far too important.

I am tired of being practice. I have been a game of sport to men who are using me (even unintentionally) as a test and trial run. I am ready. I want to find my mate. I want to create amazing, wonderful memories with the person whom has the same desires. I’ve had enough heartbreak, I can’t handle anymore. The man who stops using me for sport will see under all my layers and match up to my desires. I have to stop worrying about what he wants and start worrying about what I want.