Inside a Man's Head

Last week I went out to watch football and was fortunate enough to come across an ‘ex-player’. I’m not talking football player here, I’m talking play; master of all women, the type us women say we don’t want yet chase relentlessly because we can’t have them. Yes, this man was a recovering playa and lucky for me, he was willing to confess what a man thinks.

Envision a tall black man, good looking, flashy but caring smile, nurturing eyes. He has large hands and smells crisp and clean. He is intelligent, yet originally from the ghetto. Honestly, in my opinion, he’s a solid catch. This guy has played women like a violin. And yet, in his stories I realized that though he was always messing around, he took something from each frightful thing he had been through. He had taken the bad from his situations and studied it, making himself a better person.

So now, ladies, listen up! This is straight from the horse’s mouth. I knew some of this, I’m sure you do too but often we as women we don’t in truth hear this information correctly. We think, yeah right, men are not genuinely uncommitted dogs. They can’t be! They just need a wonderful woman to make help them see clearly! Well, wake up, this isn’t true. It’s high time you realize that men have one thing on their minds at all-times. It doesn’t make them bad, but whether the nice guy or the playa, they are all thinking the same and we need to be more cautious of the signals we are sending them.

Let’s say four girls come together for a fun Saturday night. They are like every other group of girlfriend; a little wild, feeling their oats, sipping martinis, laughing and tossing their hair back, checking EVERY MAN out using their peripheral vision. Trust me, we are excellent at seeing things even though we aren’t looking directly at you men! So yes, you are familiar with this group. Now let’s say all these women are decent looking. Not the best, but they take good care of themselves and do their best to look like a lady (because this is a ladies job!). Except the one; there is one in every group. She is a solid 10. The chic who works out and starves herself. Her nails are perfect, as is her face and hair. Her skirt rides just below her midriff and her perfectly round, DD fake boobs are hardly covered. She is the one that will forever have a drink in her hands, each beverage bought by a different douche bag. She doesn’t give any one man a whole lot of attention, and every single man in the bar eyes her as she glides in. Yes, this is your 10 girl. And yet, her friends are different. They are nice girls, very smiley, chatty and dressed a little more conservatively, but revealing enough to make your mind wander. One has short split nails, the other larger thighs. The third is hot but a complete butter face. So let’s rate these three girls each a 6 out of 10. Decent, but certainly not in the same league as the hot chic. So here is the man’s theory on this situation. Do you know who they hit on? My guess was obviously the 10 chic but nope! This guy tells me that only dorks hit on the 10 because they don’t have any clue that people are defined by what league they are in. The dorks think they can impress her with their intellect, which guys, is not going to happen. You goofy ones could likely entertain one of the 6’s with your knowledge because she would actually spend time listening to you, but the 10? No, not happening. So anyway, yes this playa’s hit on one of the 6 girls. They talk to her, compliment her, buy her drinks, all the while boosting her self confidence. And yet, they have no intention of ever asking the 6 girl out. In fact, these men are not even listening to what the 6 is saying. They know that the 10 girl is so accustomed to being hit on that she will become jealous that the playa is wasting any time at all on her 6 friend when he could clearly be talking to her, who’s a 10. So the guy goes on and on talking to the 6, but secretly eyeing the 10. Then it happens, the 10 can’t handle the rejection. She will become discombobulated, bitter and jealous and end up throwing herself at the man, not caring about her 6 friends feelings at all. The man will watch as the 10 becomes trashed and crass. The 6 girl, used to being rejected will bow out gracefully. She can’t be humiliated any longer so you don’t have to worry about her going off on the guy. Nope she will just bow out and then go to her other 6 girl friends and they will bond in a circle, each nice, and yet all hurt by men. While in the meantime the guy now has all the attention of the 10 girl and she is not going to give him up for the world. So the three 6’s leave together and the 10 leaves with the playa. Wow, wow, wow. I couldn’t believe this was true, and yet, I’ve seen it happen so many times! My advice is to be happy as a 6 girl. You have so much more to offer and someday, someone will appreciate that.

Alcohol is a must in dating. I’m glad this gentleman and I could at least agree upon that. However, I think we had different reasons for thinking this was the case. I like cocktails because it helps take the edge off. The more nervous I believe the guy is on our date, definitely the more nervous I become. I want to be in control of my emotions and say what I mean, not just blurt out ridiculousness because I am not at ease. Or, maybe the guy isn’t my type looks wise. Well, a couple cocktails and he miraculously looks better! Although this can work against you; a few too many cocktails and his face starts melting and you can’t quite figure out what you don’t like about his face, but there is definitely something. But ladies, do you have any idea why a man buys you cocktails during your first encounter? He wants to disarm you and hear you spill all your shit out! He wants to prove that he is correct in thinking that you are crazy and that you have enormous amounts of baggage. Sadly, I have fallen for this trick many times. Too many drinks and I’m blabbing about my ex, the book, everything that I think is wrong with me, etc. I dig my own hole, crawl in it and let him bury me! I never realized this was the case but men go out with the unconditional thought that all women are crazy. They figure that by buying you a couple glasses, you will prove them correctly and in turn boost their self-esteem when tomorrow they tell their friends, “Told you man, all bitches are crazy!” My take is being careful on the alcohol intake. In fact, I need to learn a little more about this. Once a guy wins you over and sees that you don’t have a great deal of baggage, well that’s good, you probably passed his drinking and talking test but be careful on that first date not to spill all your drama out at once. They expect it and will use it against you!

Speaking of baggage, we all have it, trust me. It’s in different forms. You may have kids, yes that is baggage. Many of us have been hurt so many times that we have trust issues. Guess what, same thing! We all have baggage but it’s all in how we carry it that counts. Women, you tend to be intrigued by a man with issues. You are caring and nurturing and want to fix things. A man with concern needs fixing and even though you think you are the perfect person for the job, no one should be employed in this area! Only they can fix their problems. You will never, ever change them so get over that thought right now! Men, on the other hand, they could give a shit about your dilemmas. If you have it, so be it, but they absolutely, positively do not want to hear one single word about it. They are impatient and not looking to solve your matters or fix you. They expect you to check your baggage in or carry it on because the amount you should have is minimal. Don’t think that you can walk into a date and dish it all out, and the guy will decide that he will help you. He will not be assisting you! Airlines have the realistic idea these days. They charge you $25 for the first bag checked, $15 for the second. Sorry ladies, but unless you plan on paying these men to deal with lugging your past and tossing it out of a moving car, they ain’t taking it. Check your drama in! Same to you men, though we women want to fix things, don’t put us in that situation. If you have baggage, take a step back from dating for the time being. You aren’t being fair to us. You don’t want to deal with our crap? Well guess what, we don’t deserve to deal with yours.

Valentine’s Day, black Friday, anti happiness day, whatever you refer to it as, don’t go out single looking to meet someone of serious potential on this day. I have met guys on V-day before. At the time I thought, lucky me that was very surprising. I’ve even toyed with thinking, how romantic he must be! Well, guess what, he’s not. There is one reason men go out on Valentine’s Day. Be serious women, it’s to get laid. They know that V-day is a guaranteed one night stand. You may have just broken up with someone and feel like going out to prove you are over that last person. Guess what? One too many drinks and you are rebounding with the playa who saw you walk in and hasn’t taken his eyes off you since. Or maybe you are going out with your girlfriends because you cannot tolerate one more V-day at home, painting your nails and dying your hair. Again, one too many drinks and you are bawling into your martini glass just before playa comes up to swing in on his one night stand. Men go out with that purpose. The good guys? They don’t go out on Valentine’s Day OR they actually ask a woman out and aren’t afraid to show their inner romance. So beware, the ones who are creeping around the bars on this day are only there with one intention and it has nothing to do with ever seeing you again.

Now time to talk etiquette. Let’s say you are out with your friends and a man from across the restaurant orders you and your girls a round of shots. A man sizes you up according to how your reaction. It’s very obvious when shots are sent from across a bar from a man to a woman. Everyone in the place stares, wondering what will happen. Will she smile and invite him over? Will she refuse it and look the other way? All conversations stop because everyone is interested in what will take place. Just think, your reaction could turn off or on a man who didn’t even buy you a shot but watched the whole scenario happen. Careful ladies. Okay, so let’s say the man who bought them is a tad bit older but handsome. He just finished a round of golf with his buddies and sits, looking somewhat lonely at the bar. When he sends over that drink, dammit drink it! We are in a tight economy right now and nothing is coming free! You do not have to walk over and talk to him. In fact, don’t do go talk to him, let him come to you. You will appear too eager and he will within seconds find you desperate because that’s what men assume we are. Instead, make eye contact, smile, and take your shot like a lady. You will see him later. Within the next half hour it is a guarantee he will make his way over to say hello. Even if you are not interested in him be nice! Introduce yourself and your friends. Tell him thank you so much and how kind you thought it was for him to notice you. Don’t welcome him to sit, keep him wanting more. Everything you do in this situation proves the type of woman you are. Are you going to be the type that is pleased by nothing? If you look down on him or the fact he bought you a drink, he and every other man in the room that has been watching you, will assume you are high maintenance, impossible to please, and willing to fight him on every nice thing he does for you. But if you are sweet and well mannered, they will all see you for a nice, caring lady. You will appreciate the acts of kindness he gives in the future. You have allowed a man to provide for you and you showed respect for all men by introducing yourself and your friends. Sometimes ladies can be mean, don’t you be that way! It’s disrespectful. Men want us to like them, they want us to be impressed by them, and the more of them you shoot down, and the harder you are making it for them to trust the few nice girls left in the world.

I think the information the ex-playa shared that was hardest for me to swallow was based on being a good woman. This man admitted that he has dated absolutely fantastic girls in the past. Women who seemed to have everything; very little baggage, beautiful, sincere smiles, they were intellectual and successful, caring, and nurturing. They complimented him, vocally and physically. He told me they were perfect; so perfect that he was forced to dump them. Apparently men think they have more things wrong with them deep down inside than they believe their women have. They will not admit this and they will never even tell you what makes them feel insecure but they are. They don’t think they make enough money, they think they can’t cook, they think they are not as smart as you’ they basically think there is no way they deserve such a great girl. Now, I am speaking from experience here, I have heard countless times, “I don’t deserve you.” At the time, hurt and jaded I thought bull shit, what is wrong with me? But suddenly I understood. You see, these men think we will be unsatisfied with them once we find out what their deep, pent up issues are. They envision us running, leaving them forever. Because they are so afraid of losing us as bright, beautiful, loving women, they decide that they will dump us…first. That way we aren’t the ones to dump them. What man in their right mind actually does this? Apparently all of them! He told me that the better the girl, the more unsure the man feels about himself. He will become convinced that he can never do you right and he will break your heart in two, afraid of being broken himself.

How sad that we as women are expected to get up, brush off our hands and move onto the NEXT! We are never allowed to express to men that these are the reasons we are ruined, these are the things that make us not trust men, and these are the things that have made us sad. But here it is, loud and clear; for those of you that don’t believe me, go ahead, and carry on in the miserable way you have been. Me, I’m going to listen and try to change things, slowly but surely. I don’t want to be alone forever.