First Date Theory

What is it about first dates? I listen, I talk, I drink…and yet I just can’t see it, can’t visualize myself with this person at this time. Am I distant because of the others that race through my heads that I can’t get my hands-on? Am I a commitment phobe? Is it because suddenly I see a new, exciting world that will soon involve parties, Hollywood and completely different types of men? Whatever the reason, I look at this guy and think, he is so nice, polite, successful, the type I should marry, and yet, I just can’t see myself with him.

But here’s the thing, I felt this way on my first date with Vince, with Matt, with Dick and definitely with Barry; in fact, I still don’t know what happened on that one (read upcoming blogs about my dating a handicap to know more about him).

Vince approached me at the gym. In fact, it came just days after I’d found out the reason Chris, aka hot runner man, had been away from the gym was because he was on his honeymoon. So as I sat on a machine, headphones in, tears stagnant in my eyes, here came this rather beefy, full throttle man. He reminded me of Teeny Little Super guy from Sesame Street, the little guy that lived in a cupboard.

“Hey, aren’t you like always at Starbucks?” I had never seen this guy in my life, not at Starbucks and certainly not at the gym. Yet come to find out, he had seen me all over town, Vons, Target, Starbucks, the gym, and the tanning salon.

I was so irritated that he was ruining my moment of depression over Chris, that I was not my usual, friendly self. “Yes, I go to Starbucks often, why?”

“Well my name’s Vince”, he had said holding out his hand to shake mine. “I’ve seen you everywhere and I would love to take you out.”

Oh, hell why not?

I clearly remember my first date with Vince. He had intentions of going to a restaurant, in which we arrived, had just recently been closed. So we ended up walking all over downtown in search of something else. I recall him walking ahead of me, a sign that he would likely want to be in control of any situation. He became irritated with the hostess when she said there was a wait at our new place of interest. His jeans were rather tight and I did not take a liking to the spiked bracelet wrapped around his wrist. I found him to be a bit insecure and yet a little cocky. I vividly recall, him coming around to my side of the table to try for a kiss and me turning away, telling him no. It wasn’t because I wouldn’t kiss on the first date. Rather, it was because I didn’t want to kiss him.

For the first few weeks of dating Vince, I was also going out with randoms on the side. For whatever reason, I couldn’t see Vince being the one. I didn’t know why but in the beginning figured it wouldn’t last. And yet, one day, him driving me home, it hit me. I was smitten over this man. I couldn’t get enough of him. I wanted to be with him and only him. No, he didn’t have my knight in shining armor look, but since that moment, I couldn’t get enough of him.


Dick was a similar situation, but he is in the book, so I must refrain from giving too many details. But to sum it up, I remember wanting to cancel on Dick for our first date. I hadn’t been impressed with our phone conversations and couldn’t see how this guy could possibly be it. I paced my living room, not wanting to go, not wanting to deal with yet again, another first date. And yet, somehow I drug myself there, and sat in the coffee shop, listening to him going on and on about himself. I remember thinking, “My God, this guy is obnoxious. I will never go out with him again”.

I wasn’t attracted to Dick, though I’m sure others would have said he was good looking. He had a foul mouth, he was egotistical, jobless, and without a car. He was a prick and I swore there would not be a second date. But there was. We had a third, and a fourth date, the whole time me wondering if there was any part of this guy that I actually liked. And yet, six months later I distinctly remember sobbing into his chest when he broke up with me. So see? Someone I saw absolutely nothing with, managed to get in and again convince me otherwise.


My beginning with Matt was similar. He was rather intoxicated, while I certainly was not. I met him at Incahoots. I was sweaty, dancing my heart out, literally, and his friend was hilarious. In fact, it was his friend who convinced me to approach the circle, where I met Matt.

“So what do you do?” he asked me, reeking of Captain Morgan.

I rolled with my future endeavor, “I’m an Author. In fact I just finished my book on tragic dating.”

He didn’t seem put off or shocked. In fact, he seemed slightly impressed but also like he could care less that I was a writer. “So you are Carrie then?” Wow, this guy knew Sex and the City.

I remember looking at Matt and thinking, this guy is nice, but definitely not my type. Though, shoot, he was a Paramedic Fireman so I’ll admit, that kept me around, thinking because of that, he could be my type. As he became more intoxicated, I remember him keeping his arm around me at the bar. Nearly cutting off my air supply, he wasn’t much taller than I, and it was a stretch managing his drunken arm around my neck. He slurred his words a bit and tried to kiss me, at which point I turned my head away. No, it was not a night I intended to be followed up with a date.

Yet, Matt called. He took me out to sushi, as I recommended. He drove in my direction, which was quite far from his house. He was a gentleman and as the date went on I found we had more than I thought in common. But was I into this guy? Not really. In fact, I remember leaving work the day of my date and my friend saying, “Have fun,” a smirk on her face. “Where are you going to make out? In the bar or under a lamp post?”

I laughed, “Uh no, I’m not making out with this guy. No more street lamp make outs for me. I’m just going to go and get this date over with”. And I had meant it. Yet, where did my evening end? Matt kissing me goodnight…right under a lamp post. In fact, I remember laughing out loud in between our kissing and him not having a clue why.

It took awhile for me to be interested in Matt, but he was such a nice guy. How could I not be into him? In fact, I continued dating several other guys for the first six weeks of our relationship, convinced that for some reason, I just wasn’t into Matt. But for those of you that know me now, you know that one day it all changed. I saw Matt differently and suddenly, I couldn’t get enough of him.


Lastly was my personal handicap, who will get his own story soon so I don’t want to provide too many details here. But let’s face it, I was not into him in the beginning and I literally fooled myself into thinking I was interested, even six months later. He had good intentions of having a first date but also had utter neiveness of the world. At the time, I figured I would never go out with this guy again. Then at the end, when he kissed me, I went with it. I tried to enjoy it, I tried to convince myself that maybe he was a nice guy. Perhaps he would grow on me. And he did, a little. Certainly not like Vince or Matt, but in a different way. A way I was able to fake for six months.


Clearly, my first dates have not been immediate lust for the men that I, with time, fell in love with. So then, why now am I already making excuses, doing the same thing over again, convincing myself that this new one couldn’t possibly be the one?

So yesterday was a fun day. Very nice guy, relaxing afternoon, him recommending we ride beach cruisers around PB to some local bars. It was genuinely enjoyable! And yet, when he told me he was nervous because he had no idea what to recommend for a first date, all I could think was how many first dates I’d been on. I wondered if going on a first date with me took the pressure off the men because I knew the 20 questions to ask. I kept conversation flowing. I took note when he touched me while talking, knowing it was his way of showing interest. He smiled, he’s was easy going, he did fun things, and yet I waited for some rock to come flying out of nowhere, hit me in the head, and make me feel like he could potentially be the one.

I will go out with him again, definitely, but I wonder if it’s going to take time, have to grow on me? And I feel badly because his green light is on. He’s ready to find a nice, dependable, good girl. But suddenly I wonder if I can be any of that? With my going back to school and then this week having the prospect of the book taking off and my year of upcoming Hollywood parties, black tie affairs, retreats, and more. Do I even have time for a relationship? Maybe now isn’t the time to meet anyone. And yet, would I be thinking any of this if it were D who had taken me out? D who I tend to change my plans for so I can watch football with him at any given moment? D who only sees me as a friend? Dammit!

So I guess my theory is, always give a second date, I guess you never know what may come out it.