Classifications of Men

PB Douche Bag -

We all know at least one. And let’s face it; if you know one, then you know 20, since these guys tend to all know each other. They are the over 34 crowd that will move out of PB. They won’t leave PB for anything because they believe it is the coolest place anyone could ever want to be. The types that hang out at their favorite local bar every Thursday, Friday, Saturday, and Sunday night. They are good looking and not the most knowledgeable on fine foods. Ask the last time they did a keg stand and they will definitely remember and even let you know who they hooked up right after. These guys are non-committal and have likely slept with many women, most of which they don’t even remember their name. Typically commitment phobic, they prey on cute, dumb college girls 20 to 24. They are very hands-on and not afraid to touch you absolutely anywhere in public. Their refrigerators contain a few cheap beers, milk and frozen pizza, though there is likely a half eaten box of cereal somewhere, too. These are, by far, the most amusing guys to be friends with. But don’t expect them to pull out your chair or open the car door for you…or worse yet, buy you a candlelit dinner.

Manipulator Man -

This is the worst kind of man to know. In the beginning, you will find him to be the most sensitive, complimentary, do anything for you type. Yet after six months, you will be cursing his name and likely getting a restraining order for the first time in your life. Typically insecure, this man gets by pretending he’s shy. He will take you out places because he wants others to see you with him. He will constantly remind you that he is a nice guy, and persuade you that there is no one more suitable available. Insanely jealous, he will inquire on your exes and will get irate should you bring up other males names. He may lie and convince you that you have treated him in ways that you know you are incapable of. An expert at applying guilt, he will make you feel ashamed and as though you should give up your friends and hobbies so that you can spend all your time with him. He will give you flowers but then let you know if you are not thankful enough or owe him for his recent act of kindness. He believes that he is the best match for you and will tell all your friends, in private, of his motives to hold you captive, marrying you. Your friends and family will not like him, but not necessarily know why they feel negative toward him. These breakups always end up ugly. This man will talk trash on you to absolutely anyone, especially future prospects, and you must stay clear of them.

Cougar Hunter -

Ages 20 to 25, these men are only after hooking up with women 35 to 50. Though the women may not necessarily be cougars, these boys fantasize on a woman who can teach them dirty things. These lads are usually successful in their careers and were respectfully raised right, possessing good manners. They are smart and use their knowledge to impress grown females. Priding themselves on living a fit lifestyle, they are clean cut and well dressed, so that older women find them very attractive. Sometimes the ladies believe these youngsters are older than they really are, fooling themselves because the boys are a pleasure to hang out with. Childish in ways, they make women feel young and giddy. Often mommy’s boys, they praise you on your cooking, how you pour their drinks and have been known to bring over their dirty laundry. Typically know every word to every Journey song ever written, not because they remember when Journey was famous, but because they know you do! They fantasize that women over 35 have hit their sexual prime and will allow them to do whatever they want. Often these toddlers will push the limits sexually and expect the most outrageous performances of their lady. They won’t always get what they yearn for, and it is then they will throw a tantrum and you will see them for what they really are, a young 20-something.

Damaged Guy -

This man won’t laugh easy, and it will take effort on your part, to get him to warm up to you. Even he may not realize it, but he is still deeply hurt from his first love. Women get over breakups easily; we stand up, brush ourselves off, paint a smile of makeup on our faces and move onto the next. But men, once they have been hurt, whether it was two years ago or 10, they hardly ever trust again. This man is not likely to go out of his way for a woman. He is on the quieter side and would rather you tell him details of your own life than ask for him to relay any personal information. Often they hold back because they are inexperienced, having been with that one person whom hurt them for a lengthy period. Do not raise your voice at this man or you will see him cringe in fear of ending up with another mean, bossy girl, much like the one that destroyed his past. He can be somewhat self absorbed and constantly busy playing sports, working out, or anything else that involves individual involvement. He doesn’t know how to cook and likely isn’t the best dresser, since he hardly cares what any woman really thinks of him. These are typically the faith fullest of friends and as they open up you may think they are even beginning to have interest in you. But trust that he is timid and sheltered and has no clue you are have interest in him. If you are willing to stick around, every once in awhile you can pull this man out of his misery and prove to him who he can trust you, as a woman. But be warned, it’s not easy and will likely take a long-time. Heaven forbid getting him to ask for your hand in marriage someday.

Cheap Ass -

This man will make you go broke. You are bound to be far more successful than him and he will not listen to you talk about your career. In fact, this man is not likely to listen to you at all. Borderline egotistical, he avoids admitting you are better than him but being rude and belligerent. He is mysterious to you because he is such an ass. He will ask you out nice places, and then allow the check to sit on the table so long, you finally pay the bill. At which point, he will tell the waitress to add one last drink to the tab. If you personally attend a company dinner, expect that he will be home anticipating you to deliver your leftovers. This man’s home is poorly decorated and he eats out of stained Tupperware. He will request you to drive everywhere, telling you that he is exhausted from his day at work, while he really can’t fathom putting five extra dollars in his gas tank. Do not expect flowers or gifts of any sort from this man and don’t be hurt when he does finally spend outrageous amounts of money, for his mother’s birthday. He wears the same outfits throughout the week and expects you to take notice when he wears something nice, that was surely given to him by an ex girlfriend. Plan on taking him shopping, and using your own pocketbook, if you invite him to a wedding. He will pick out the nicest pair of shoes and even expect new boxers, since he assumes you will be undressing him after the ceremony, and you want him to look good, right? This man is pathetic and will likely remain single for a long-time, that, or turn into a PB Douche bag.

Nice Guy -

You will never know you are going to meet this guy. In fact, you will be out partying, and, not even take notice of him. Yet while sit listening to a cheap ass talk, he will be going to all ends just to find out your name. As soon as the cheap ass walks away, the nice guy will pop up, right in front of you, arriving out of nowhere. He will socialize with you all night, having eyes only for you. He will make sure your wine or water glass is always full, and offer his jacket if you are cold. He will listen to every detail of what you say. Though he may not be best at asking questions, it is only because he is mesmerized by your unmistakable beauty. You will find yourself having a fantastic time, suddenly not wanting to get plastered and make a bad impression on this guy. He will not judge you and only find your baggage captivating. At the end of the night you will be disappointed that he doesn’t ask for your number. It’s nothing you did, he just found you far too beautiful to actually interested in him. A little nudging though, or even taking the chance and asking him out isn’t the end of the world in this relationship. He will go with the flow on anything you want to do. The nice guy is the best catch. He is the guy you end up marrying. Often they have been married before and maybe even have children, but it is guaranteed that they have learned from their mistakes and don’t want to make anymore. He may not offer you the most exciting relationship, since, for the first time, you aren’t chasing him, but he will always be faithful to you and treat you like the princess you are.

Married Guy –

This guy is a lying, cheating, male whore. Lying, he will work to weasel his way into your heart. But remember, he is in search of something. Whether a booty call, a green card or a place to sleep without his crying children in the background, he is only looking out for himself. You will find out he is married in the worst of ways because he wouldn’t volunteer that information. He is well dressed and has a disposable income that can spoil two women at once, you, and his wife. If you go out in public with him, you risk the chance of being shoved under a table when an unexpected colleague approaches. This dog will charm you into believing you are the best he’s ever had. He reminds you that he intends to leave his wife and three children, and you in turn believe this is appropriate. This relationship will not last because he will never leave his wife, nor did he ever even plan on it. You will become attached and cut him off sex, hoping he will see the light and fall madly in love with you. Rather he will see the dark hole and move onto the next best thing.

Fitness Maniac –

You cannot fall in love with this man, only in lust. You will never even know anything about him, except that he works out, like a maniac. The gym, running, and his bike, are all far more important than you will ever be to him. Often metro sexual, these guys fancy themselves on wearing tight fitting leggings that only belong on skinny girls. Outside of the gym they are a bit off kilter on their sense of dress and style because they rarely practice going out. The addict would much prefer a box of pasta at home, carbing up for his early morning, 20 mile run, than going out and having dinner with you. Just because he snacks on apples and unsatisfying power bars at the gym, does not mean he enjoys fine dining and exquisite meals. Selfish, this guy cares about his looks more than you do. It is rare that he sets time aside for you to spend together, as he could be working out during that period. If you do go out for a night of fun, be careful not to order that piece of cheesecake after dinner or drink your beer too fast, for he tends to get angry should you do anything that may make him look bad. No mistaking, these maniacs are hot, but really only good for booty call and nothing more. At least that way, he’s still getting his workout in.

Jobless guy –

Given the current economy, this is the most famous guy. This guy no longer has self respect for anything, not you, and certainly not himself. His job has been his identity for as long as he can remember and now he feels stripped of life itself. It’s almost worse to be dating a jobless man than it is a damaged guy. There are two sides to this, if he has recently been laid off he will be out partying, racking up credit card debt like a woman shops on her Nordstroms card after a break up. He will be the life of the party, bantering about how terrible his job was and how nothing could be better than having been laid off because he is going to open a new bar or write a screenplay. He will hit on every woman, finding that females are sensitive to the needy man. He will get her drunk on his tab, make out with her and get behind the wheel of his three month old Mercedes because after all, could life get any worse? At which point, it usually does and he ends up with a DUI, no car, no job and finally, no woman. If he were laid off any longer than six months prior, be warned, he is depressed. He doesn’t go out because he is still working to pay off the partying that took place postlayoff. He is an expert at living on a dime, able to still go out on the town, yet not spending a dime. Drunk, he will tell you how his last three dates all stood him up. He does not see a future for himself or with anyone else. Recently though, he has been writing a book based on living life broke and single, but he hasn’t quite started it yet, he’s been too exhausted from spending his days doing nothing. This man can be cocky and will come across jaded, but if he makes it through this period and lands another job, he is likely to turn around and be an extremely favorable catch.

The Friend –

These are the hardest guys for women to get over. We fall in love slowly and steadily and are convinced that eventually, this man is going to be more than just our friend. We have seen the good and bad sides, drunk, sick, working, and at the gym. You can do everything with this guy. He will listen to you cry over bad dates. If you are lucky, it will at least turn into a, friends who make out relationship, but these rarely last. Even if he is attracted to, you, he is unlikely to make a move, terrified of both rejection and ruining the friendship. Though he may be interested, he goes about showing you his fascination in all the wrong ways. He will rarely go out alone with you and often departs parties, leaving you with his friends, rather than him. Typically, this guy starts in the nice guy zone but waits too long to make his move, ending up right here, as a friend. The friend seems the most appropriate to hang out with because you enjoy similar things and always have so much fun together. But be warned, other potential bachelors are very intimidated by the male that is your friend. Don’t listen to anything your friends say about the friend, only you know if you can continue or not. He seldom crosses the line to show his true feelings, even if you are beginning to date a nice guy. However, if he is honest and you feel the same, it could turn into an absolutely fantastic relationship.