Oldest of 4 yet last to get married

Last to get married? HA! This coming from a girl who's never been in a relationship for longer than 4 months (and that record just recently ended).

Yes, my little brother who I love more than anyone other than my other little brother, has announced that he is getting married. The best part of this is that it didn't come in invitation form, no, it was found out by the combination of my nosiness on myspace combined by being able to count how many days are in a month and how many days of singlehood he has left.

But married? What is this? Why do people take this word "marriage" so lightly? I mean you figure, or you hope, you only marry once right? So if you marry at 25 you likely have what...60 years of marriage? At 35 leaves 50 years of marriage and so forth. So then why does it seem like everyone rushes it? What ever happened to the enjoying the beauty of an engagement. Shoot, you got 60 years, then what is the harm of ONE year of having sex like a mad dog, looking fantastic for the other person and just loving the touch and company of your future soul mate? Why rush into fighting, tax write offs (which create further fighting) and trying to enjoy one anothers wrinkles or inavailability to get it up? Why the rush into this? I just don't get it!

Please know that I am not mocking marriage right now, I'm simply trying to make a point. There are steps. I know people that have been married and divorced once...twice...do these people rushing marriage know what these endings bring? Turmoil, lack of faith in anyone you ever date again and such a tremendous amount of pain that it lets everyone see you are not whole anymore, it's just plain sad.

For those of you that are willing to hear me out, please, please, please...let's bring back the times when the word marriage actually meant something. The days when a man respected a woman. And let's blend those with the modern times of women not being so needy and being able to take care of themselves...but never able to ONLY love themselves.

Do these men with this old fashioned, modern spin on reality exist anymore? I thought it was my own misfortune that I kept meeting men with commitment issues, but do I actually come from a family of men that have issues with being noncommitted? What happened to me? Read more!

Stupid FaceBook

A funny thing happened today. A man expressed to me the trama that facebook, myspace and every other online showoff account caused him today. His girlfriend became so jealous of his so called 'friends' that she decided she was out, over the relationship, plain and simple. Now I'm quite sure this lies much deeper than the typical, 'but I saw a hot girl on your facebook account', but it certainly makes you think.

Why are we so addicted to showing who we are? Or should I say who we want to be? I am an avid myspace user, I will admit...but I only have FUN with myspace. Facebook, now that is the reality of what people, people my age, from my hometown, from my era and lame background have become. Here you would assume I start with same old feel sorry for me saga and I admit, I could easily go to that, but reality is, why does everyone seem to be married and have anywhere from 2 to 9 children? I'm not exaggerating about the 9 kids part either! Where did I go wrong? Is that even what I really want? Do they look at my profile wishing for just one day that they could live my life? Chances are if they were actually me, they would enjoy that one day so intoxicated that they sadly wouldn't remember any of it.

But as much as I do want what they have I am reminded of the moments I enjoy every day in being single. I got to go to the gym (twice) today, I got to shower!, I got to enjoy an expensive lunch out, I got to come home and pack for me, myself and I , I got to finish the evening with 4 vodka tonics. Did I really truly go wrong? I guess I am curious as to why we get intimidated by online profiles when all we used to get intimidated by was the busy signal. Before cell phones and call waiting, heck, if we didn't want to talk to someone, well we took the phone off the hook! But life has gotten so much more complex. Now we silence the calls, intentionally make out of office responses for those we are not in the mood to talk to, break up via text messages and remove loved ones from our 'top friends' because at that moment of time they just aren't good enough. How harsh. Why are we so mean? And am I truly any different? If I had stayed in a small town would I be just like all of them that seem so happy and together, raising adorable families?

Is there anyone else out there who feels quite as bad for themselves as I do? Pity party for one...CHECK PLEASE! I hate the pity party but shoot, sometimes a girl just needs to cry. Sometimes we just want those arms to wrap around us and secure us and let us know that yes, although we are single and far too independent, we too are loved. Even if it may have taken years to find anything that resemebles that feeling.

Everyone out there, if you are going to do one thing this year, or you are looking for a great New Years resolution, well here is mine...be nice. Think of others and how you are truly affecting their lives. How are YOU, by being so scared to be loved, actually hurting someone who really wants to love you? Open your heart. It can only do you good. Even when we are hurt, I promise that we learn. Read more!

Hey it's me

In exactly what point of a relationship is it okay to leave a message using the "it's me" context. Let's face it, in this day of age, nearly everyone relies solely on their cell phone. Even if you do have a home phone you most certainly have caller ID, right? So then why the need to leave a message stating "Hi, it's Jenny..." rather than the simple "it's me"?
Which brings me to the thought, at exactly which point of a relationship can you start referring to yourself as "me"?
When you leave someone a message the miraculous cell phone company clearly states, 'You have one new message...To listen to your message press 1...First new message from phone number ###-###-####...received November 11th at 1:28pm....'
Now notice that even if the message is from someone within your same area code, still the cell phone tells you 'from phone number 619...' because you just might be a complete idiot and not know where you are currently located. WHO ELSE COULD IT BE? You may not have phone numbers memorized but come on! You know who the message is from, so why then do we insist on the "hey it's so and so....". He couldn't just say, "Hey it's me..." How many other me's does he have? No one is as good as me, right? Wait, which me am I speaking to here?
Even when we call our friends we, without hesitation, refer to ourselves in the good old "me" regard. So then why is it different in relationships?
On a side note, how often do we hope that the "me" on the other end of the phone just doesn't pick up? Here we've been, absolutely dying to talk to our "me", yet then they call and we silence the call. What if they are going to say they no longer care about "me"? Perhaps they want "me" to slow down? Quite often then, you silence your "me" and it sounds as if your "me" has been prerecorded. As if perhaps he even practiced what he was going to say, just in case you didn't answer the call from "me"? Why the games? Can't we all just assume that if your "me" calls then they they called to talk to "me"? It's the difference in men and women. Women freak out, paranoid that they did something wrong...how could this man ever really want "me"? Yet the man is on the other end, cracking open his next beer after a long day of work, thinking, dammit woman, why couldn't you be here making "me" dinner? hahaha It's a never ending battle of the "me's".
This leads to my next heavy thought. In my opinion, you can use the "it's me" context, I would say, after two months of dating a person exclusively. Okay, so then, (men shut your ears at this, this is only for the ladies), at what time are we allowed to actually be referred to as the "girlfriend"? Is there really a need to have a discussion on this high held title with your exclusive "me" or do you just assume that in this day of age, at my age, titles are not important?
So can you call yourself a "me" if you aren't actually someone's girlfriend?
Wow! How the woman's mind works! You see men, we aren't looking for you to be our permanent "me" because we yearn to be taken care of. We just want to feel good about "me" infront of our friends! Women are catty gossips and often, just mean. There is nothing worse then being asked, "how are things going with that me of yours?" and then not being able to answer the way we want. We yearn to say, "Great! He's my boyfriend. But instead we shy away saying, "Things are okay, moving along day by day. For now I'm just happy with being me."
Yeah right! Happy with being "me"? Didn't this all start with wanting a different "me" all along? How ironic! Read more!

I let one in again, if only he knew

Why does it hurt? It’s not supposed to when they never belonged to you in the first place…or so I thought. But did I really? Cause here I have become obsessed with yet another man who will never, ever be mine. Yup, that’s right, talking about Chris here

I’ve chased hot runner man, aka Chris for how long now, 2, 2 ½ years? WOW! Yes, he replaced my Ken obsession with his own. And wasn’t it just yesterday that I saw his profile on match and therefore knew he was single and started the major chase? No Jenny, gosh, in fact it was already 2 years ago that you saw his profile, not yesterday. Heck it was already nearly 8 months ago that you nearly hit the guy with your car all too just try to ask him out! Oh how embarrassing.

Life and finding “the one” are about wearing your heart on your sleeve. And here SO many women are terrified of doing just that. I watch them; shutting men down one after the other, constantly being afraid their own shadow doesn’t look good enough to take particular places, always on the manhunt but never putting themselves out there. Then there’s me, yes I who will throw myself at nearly any man cause what do I really have to lose? I’m confident, I’m happy, I’m healthy, and I’m alone. But I still pick myself up, or rather scrape myself off the pavement these days and continue on looking for Mr. Right.

Lately I’ve been back to being a dating maniac. Dating younger guys, cowboys, fathers, friends, you name it I’m back in the game. It’s been enjoyable I must admit. Heck I’m a damn good dater! I have my 20 questions that most men are not afraid to answer, I know how to give just the right touch to show interest and yet I’m sensitive enough to know who and when to let down easy cause they just aren’t right. So this week when I decided to let one of the most recent guys go, well I’ll admit it hurt, (heck I liked him the most!), but I know he can’t give me what I want. He’s still at least three years away from that. There is no doubt in my mind he will eventually be the perfect catch but I don’t have eventually. Sorry to get back to the point though, I didn’t cry about it. I teared up and my heart raced momentarily but it was a reminder that this is me growing, gaining confidence that the right man is out there and I don’t have to settle for the ones that aren’t right. So I’ve stayed strong, I haven’t cried, yes I’ve checked my phone at least 28 times a day (that would be 2 times for every hour that passes) but I’ve kept level headed. That is until……

The gym today, at lunch. I’ve been working out like a maniac again. I have been invited on a house boat and I want to be sure I’m looking and feeling my best so hence, I am on a vodka/exercise diet. If you have problems with this because you think its unhealthy then keep it to yourself. It’s my diet and I like it, plus its working! So yes, back to the story, I’m at the gym and I am powering down. I feel great in fact. I’ve nearly let go of one guy that won’t suit my needs and though it is hard it is healthy, right? Then it happens. I haven’t seen hot runner man and friend in quite a long time. Granted I’ve been traveling and I know they do too but still, I miss those guys. I wonder what they have been up to. I recall the weekends I go out and not meeting Mr. Right how I always tell my friends, “I tell you, the night I run into Chris it’s all going to be over. He will know how long I’ve been chasing him and that I’ve been writing about him and it will all be perfect and I won’t be on this chase anymore.” To which my friends always respond, “Jenny, we can’t wait to meet Chris. Plus if you were too chicken to say something you can guarantee we would!” Then we laugh at my ridiculous crush.
So hot runner man’s friend comes up right behind me, “Hey Jenny, how you been?” We chat briefly, me eyeing the area to see why Chris wouldn’t be with him again this week.
“You been traveling much? I haven’t seen you guys.”
“Yes,” he responds, “Quite a bit. Chris is on his honeymoon and…”
It all goes away. I don’t know exactly what I say but it is something like, “Oh where did they go?” Yeah, like I know her! Like I would ever want to!
“Europe, he’s never been. I’m sure they are having a great time.”
I’m sure they are too I think shoulders down and flashes of yellow stirring around in my eyes. Then I say something like, “Oh, gosh as much as he travels it seems like he would want to just be home when he’s traveling, or not traveling or I don’t know, that’s not what I meant, I don’t really, never mind.”
“Okay well have a good workout,” hot runner mans friend responds likely thinking to himself well that just broke it to her.

I go on, working out, trying to put together what on earth I just said and refrain from looking shocked or upset. But it’s hard. For the first time in awhile it’s hard. I know he wasn’t mine but when you get in your head that someone is single you just kinda follow it, you fall into a fake relationship. But aren’t most relationships fake? I’m happy for Chris, don’t get me wrong. There was a time (even if it was two years ago now) that he too was online looking for someone to love...good for him but sad for me, he found it.

So I remained somewhat strong and didn’t actually let the tears flow until I got in the shower. The tears flowed for likely 10 minutes and now I’m going to be healed. Someway, somehow I’ll move on and find another man to be obsessed over. I think going forward I am going to look at every man like he is already taken. I hate the letdowns, they are excruciating. They hurt and yet, aren’t I the one who’s letting myself down? I do believe so.
Read more!

I'm Just Not That Attracted to You

It was a rough night. My 30th birthday didn't exactly end up as planned, alone in my overly priced hotel suite because the guy I was dating at the time suddenly decided he didn't want a relationship...not now...not ever. So yes, crying myself to sleep on the night I had so looked forward to was rough. But hey, this is life in the thirties, right?


"Jenny!!! How you feeling? Meet us downtown at East Village Tavern for breakfast and bloodies and let's have a crazy day!" Bloody Mary's? Sure why not, hair of the dog, right? I pull on a dirty hoodie sweatshirt and flat shoes, spray myself with some fresh scent and head out of my hotel suite the same way I entered it...alone, to tie one on again.

It's an odd day. Odd for a couple reasons. Odd because I still don't understand why I spent last night alone and odder just because, what the heck am I doing in a bar again? I beat my friends there and order a pitcher for myself. 3/4 of the pitcher down I am finally feeling normal. I smile at the corn fed white boys and giving flirtacious waves to the football fans sitting around me until my friends finally arrive.

"Hey girl, just wanted to come over and say hi," I look up, red eyed, exhausted and smelling like the liquors night before to face Ken (for those of you that aren't aware of who Ken is, you need to read my actual website). You have got to be kidding me. Ken, who I've chased and been in lust with, wrote a book that opens and closes with through seven long years! This Ken, right now, is standing directly infront of me???
"Uh, hi," I respond, dragging my arm to wipe up the bubbles of beer that I know are spread across my upper lip.
"Hey, me and my friends are over there," he points towards the bar. "Come join us for a bit."

Sandy looks at me, knowing something is just not right. "That's him! That is Ken!" I tell her tearing up instantly.

"WHAT?" She exclaims. "I am so glad to see him! After all these years! But Jenny, seriously, that is the guy you have loved forever? He is nothing what I pictured!"

"Will you go over there with me?" I ask grinning widely, shaking terribly.

"Of course, let's go." Sandy and I make our way over.

"Patron shots!" his friends shout. "For your birthday Jenny!" Well I like his friends already, obviously.

The night goes on for what seems like days. Bowling and shots and beers and flirting quickly turn me into my typical obnoxious self.

Four hours later and sitting at the bar together, reminiscing about old times, I decide it's time. After seven years I need to know. "Ken, can I ask you something?"

"Sure Jenny, shoot. But what's up? You look pretty serious?"

My hands shake, my palms sweat, my head spins and I'm not sure my brain can function enough to say what I want in a way that makes sense. "Okay, um, yes, well...."

"What's up Jenny?"

I suddenly think I need to lay down. Maybe if I just rest my head on this bar for a bit, maybe then I will feel better. I can't say what I want to say. Not now, not ever. What am I thinking? That I'm just going to now all of the sudden drop seven years of cravings on him? "Um Ken," uh oh, I guess I am! "Well see, you and I, we've been friends a long time, right?"

"Yes! Why? What do you need to tell me?"

Is he asking for me to tell him? Is this the opening he's been waiting for? "Yes, well, okay here it is," this is about to get ugly Jenny. Shut up while you still can. "Well, see, you and I, we have been so close and we have a lot in common and I think we get along and we already know each other so well," good grief, why can't I shut up? "and, so I guess I've always wondered, did I ever have that chance? Why didn't you just go for me? We could have been great." I breathe as if it is the last breath I may take, which is actually true considering how much alcohol is in my system.

Ken stares at me, mouth open, shaking his head back and forth ever so slightly. "Um, okay, well, um..."

My head gets hot and my stomach turns. Why did I say this? "Sorry, I just, that was stupid. Just kidding!" I try to pull off the joke but it doesn't work.

"Jenny," Ken takes a deep breath in knowing what he is about to say is going to hurt me, "Jenny, I'm sorry, I'm just, well it just never worked because I never chose for it to."

Uncontrollable tears spring to my eyes. "Sure, yes, of course. I mean otherwise you would have gone for it." Do I dare put myself through this? Am I not Jenny? Of course I put myself through this. "Um Ken, how come?" Ken shakes his head, trying to avoid the conversation going any further. "Please tell me the truth. Maybe there is something I do that just repulses men or makes them stay as far as possible from me. Maybe you can help me, so you know, I know what I do wrong. Just please, as my friend, be honest."

Ken touches my hand as it lies shaking on the bar counter. It is in a caring but certainly not longing manner. "Jenny, you are great. Really, we've had some good times and you are nice and you do work out insanely and you are committed but when it comes right down to it, well I'm just not and I never have been attracted to you."

And that's when it happens. One deep breath and I paint my face with the emotionless smile that I hope covers the tears that are loading in my throat. "I'm drunk and have to go home. Thank you for being honest with me."

I walk out silently from the bar, straight to my friends couch and pass out face first, tears soaking the pillow under my head. Even with Ken? This even happened with Ken? Welcome to the wonderful world of thirty Jenny. Happy Birthday to me. Read more!

Where have I been?

Sorry all...I know I already mentioned I had met a "nice" guy. Yes, I indeed had. Not that I don't still think he is a wonderful, capable human being. But even though we were completely compatible and he made me smile ear to ear...it didn't end up being right.

I won't go into details on this guy, sorry. He doesn't deserve to be written about. What I can tell you is I keep wondering if I should have stuck around, held onto hope that very important matters and feelings would someday change. Maybe they would...it's more likely they wouldn't. Even though he was wonderful, I couldn't stay knowing how waiting has hurt me in my past. Time and time again it has ended negatively, me holding onto hope for 3 months...6 months...3 years only to find myself broken because unlike I had hoped, things hadn't changed.

Anyway, I'm going to be writing again. I'm back out playing ball, swinging and still not making enough contact with the bat to get a home run. And why do the holidays make it all seem so much further away then it actually is? As Jenn put it so very easily..."I knew from the beginning he wasn't actually the one, his name wasn't Chris!" Oh dear, already married Jenn. Gotta love it.

So back to dating players, losers, whatever they may be in my meantime. At least this one guy did teach me to raise the dating bar. I (and every other woman out there) deserves a man that wants to race out of the car to open her door, keep small, silly trinkets from dates so that he can remind her later of just how much she meant at that time, showers her with so much public affection her body shivers from the inside out...and of course commit fully to her, unafraid of being hurt himself. I think my next book may just be titled "No Job, No Car...BIG Problem" cause see?...I'm learning some things. Read more!

What is in my future?

There was a time (which I'm sure most of you can easily believe), that I relied on tarot cards, palm readers, angel followers and psychics to inform me of my future. Of course I still respect these types of wisdom, but this coming year I am going to try harder than ever to allow the Universe, God, Buddha, or whomever it is out there to lead me in the right direction.

See maybe you are already in your thirties, or forties or fifties, (if you are sixty please explain to me why on earth you have a MySpace account), but I see my thirties as a great beginning. Looking back I suppose I assumed I would be in a much different place than I actually am. NOT that I ever saw myself getting married or spending far too much money on one day...hello...I am frugal. But let's face it, when my parents said they were thirty my thoughts were something like, "man you are old as dirt!" I just assumed, no matter where I lived, that I would have a family. Certainly not a white picket fence, hell no, I would paint mine purple....but I never really thought that I would have the best job, a wonderful home, a brand new car (which runs but I hate since someone mentioned it was a lesbian car -- sorry to all the lesbians reading this) and enough laughter to last a lifetime. Nope, see when you are young you think about having a husband and children....both of which I can pretty much guarantee would have driven me batty by now. But maybe, now that I am getting older and wiser (shut up! I am), I'm ready for the adventures I only recently began dreaming of.

I've learned so much in the past decade...about travel, work, health, friends, family, religion and what do you know....even a little more about ME. I have come to realize that I am ready for the next step. I don't have any regrets and I can honestly say that when I take my next step forward in life I will never look back and think what if? Or man, I wish I had done that....because I've already done it all! I won't have a midlife crisis or be forty five and suddenly find myself craving twenty two year old men. I will be in the here and now of that time and certainly happy with each experience presented.

I am going to try to have no expectations....wow, am I really going to do this? YES....because expectations are what have hurt me in the past. I'm going to show more respect to you know who, um ME, because I deserve only the best. No more dating losers first and foremost, (which I've already been working on changing). I plan to breathe in deeper when taking walks outside. I want to chew my food longer, allowing the aroma and herbs to fully encompass my mouth. I want to tingle when I am kissed and maybe even make the person on the other end smile so hard we hit teeth to teeth. I want my friends and family to know I love them, friends like family and family like friends.

I yearn not to become jaded and am hopeful to remember that my desires are desirable only to me. I will work to dress like more of a lady, further sophisticated, not unwilling to pay a hefty price for that great fitting pair of jeans. I will buy myself flowers every other week, sucking in their joy every time I enter the room. I will play myself happy music and only allow myself to cry over commercials.

I heard this story the other day that hit home for me....a friend went to a wedding...a wedding for a 60 year old bride. Had she been married before? Nope. Kids you may ask? Not a one. She waited her whole life to find someone that she really, truly loved. I teared up, voicing, "She waited 60 years to find Mr. Right." That was when my friend reminded me, "No she didn't, she enjoyed 60 years of life before finding someone so compatible with her that she knew she had finally found true love." I want to be that smart! I want to enjoy each and every moment as if it were my last. I want to enjoy the people that are already so special to me....for another 60 years.

So yes, a new year is about to start. And for those of you that know me...you already know I am currently buzzed beyond belief writing nice crap like this....but it is the truth. I love each of you so much that you have become my family. I know these last 10 years have been full of heartache combined with belly laughs at my unfortunes but please God if that is what you intended to have happen to make the world go round, then bring more of that on! Cause let's face it, I can make any misfortunate event hilarious and I have so much love to give the person that actually accepts, they will certainly be blown away.

This is the spot where I will wish all of you....and I guarantee you will NEVER hear me actually say this out loud....but my heart really truly wishes everyone a Merry Christmas, Happy Hanukkah, Fantastic Kwanzaa or just a plain Spectacular Day...no matter what you believe.

Cause thirty is the best thing that could ever happen to me, I'm already convinced. Read more!

My Running Non-Date

Today is the day. It is the first day of the rest of my life. Things like this don’t happen all the time. I have been chasing hot runner man for over a year and when I’m finally ready to give up, it happens….just like that! I have to believe it is for a reason.

What am I going to wear? I wake up terribly early after a night of getting absolutely zero sleep. I want to look great, you know, since I will likely see hot runner man before prepping for our run. Which, by the way, how on earth am I going to run at his pace? My leg has been terribly swollen lately and I can just see myself fall down in the middle of the street and have to beg him for help.

After an extra long shower and a tidying up in all the right ways, I finally decide upon a classy brown outfit topped off with my borderline hooker heels. My new motto is “wear heels”, isn’t it? Well I should practice what I preach then!

All morning my stomach has been upset. I have made myself way more nervous than I really need to be. And all for what? An afternoon jog with hot runner man? Still, I can’t focus on my work and find myself staring off into space or nearly hyperventilating at my desk. I have got to pull it together. How am I going to make it?

9:30 rolls around and I realize I have not gotten anything done.
10:30 soon comes and I walk aimlessly to the meeting that I am completely unprepared for.
11:00 is only one hour from hot runner man meeting time. How am I going to maintain?

11:15 and hot runner man emails.
Jenny,

I completely forgot about a meeting I have with clients today at 1pm. There is no way I will be able to get out and run and then make it back in time.

Maybe tomorrow?

Talk to you later,
Chris

I sit back in my chair and let out an emotional sigh. I should have known better.


I haven’t seen or heard from hot runner man since. It has been nearly three months since then and yet still, not a word. I even dared to email him a few weeks later, just checking in to see if he was going to the gym anymore. Yet I got back no response, no update, no nothing. I fear I may have scared the crap out of the poor guy. Oh well, welcome back to dating hell.
Read more!

Let's Run Tomorrow

Today I am going to strive to get back to being normal. I officially decided so in the gym room shower. I’m washing my hair clean of my lust for hot runner man. After all, I haven’t spotted him in weeks. He likely even forgot who I am. Going forward I’m going to the gym, powering in a workout and then getting out. I won’t scan the machines for hot runner man, or gaze at the clock wondering if I just missed him. Nope.

This should be easy, I think to myself taking my first steps toward my car, not gazing back. I never had him in the first place so I really don’t have anything to lose. If I don’t shut this door how can I ever open a new one to let someone better in? I load into my car and head back towards work.

Oh no! You have got to be kidding me! There he is. Chris jogs along the highway on the opposite side of the road up ahead of me. Here I haven’t seen him in weeks and now he’s right here? Plus, he’s alone! Where is his running partner? Why God is this happening? Is it a sign after I just cleansed my mind from thinking of him? My palms sweat and my entire body shakes as I pass him running. What should I do? Maybe just stop and say hi? Wouldn’t that be weird? I will look like a stalker! But geesh, at this point isn’t that exactly who I am? Well God, I’m taking this as a sign and I’m going for it!

I flip a U-turn right there in the middle of the road, screeching my tires and swerving to miss oncoming traffic. I pull over, just passing him at a rather fast speed. Hot runner man to jumps onto the sidewalk and flashes a slight look of terror. Throwing my car into park I viciously search for the business card I’ve been carrying around in my IPod holder for months now. It’s got to be stained with sweat after all this time. I rifle through my bag, tossing dirty clothes amidst. Where is that darn thing? Frantically attempting to roll down my passenger side window, I shout out to him. “Chris! Hey Chris!” Oh good! Here is that darn business card! Phew!

Chris looks back, obviously recognizing my car. He jogs back in my direction while I glance at my disheveled self in the rear view mirror. My heart feels like it may explode in my chest.

Hot runner man knocks on the front passenger side window smiling, while I realize I have unintentionally rolled down the back window instead of the front. Well that is lovely. Here I was shouting out a window that wasn’t even down. Though given the circumstance, this should be the least of my worries.

“Um, hi!” I say a little too loudly, voice shaking.
“Hey, what’s up?” he asks, small beads of sweat running from his forehead.
I hand over my business card, watching my hand shake like it hasn’t in a long time. My voice quivers like an earthquake. “How come you are running by yourself today? I haven’t seen you forever.” Stop with the frantic conversation Jenny. You are bound to make a jerk of yourself. “Anyway, I just thought that, well, you know…if you don’t have someone to run with, well you should email me cause I’m trying to get back into running.” Since when? I can’t run! My body will literally fall apart. Oh well, I’m just setting the scene, right? “So um, here is my card.”
The card flies from my trembling hand, floating to the floor. Chris slowly reaches inside, grasping it and sliding it into his own IPod holder. Yippee! Now he may think that he is the one who soaked it with sweat stains!
Chris looks at me, slightly stunned, wearing a small smirk on his face. “Tomorrow. Run with me tomorrow. Meet me at the gym at noon.”
I gasp knowing full well I cannot run tomorrow. I will die! “Sounds great! I’ll see you tomorrow at noon!”
“Okay then,” Chris replies while reaching his arm inside my car to give me “knucks”.
Did he really just give me knucks? (For those of you who are unfamiliar with this term it’s the a very casual type of handshake. Both parties form a fist and then hit knuckles to knuckles).
I surrender and return the knucks. “Great! Bye!”

Chris runs off down the road while I try to think of a different way to drive back to work. Considering the scene I just caused here, I can’t possible flip another U-turn and pass him again. It takes me half an hour to get back to work but I don’t care. I am happy as a clam, with a huge smile plastered across my face.

I have a date with hot runner man tomorrow!
Read more!

Sorry

I'm sorry for not posting in a long time. Fact of the matter is, I met a nice guy. One with manners who opens the door for me and says thank you. I'm still going to write, keep you all in the loop on things that have happened over the last year but that is why I haven't been online for awhile. Read more!

Men That Will Make Up My Sequel Book

I may not have an agent or publisher yet but I'm still dating and in turn collecting stories. I'd had a vision that by writing this book I would raise the bar for how men should act when they like a lady. I had hoped there may even be one great guy out there who found me and thought, "Wow, this girl has got it going on; I should date her!" But sadly I have found just the opposite. It's as if men have around me act even worse than the guys in my original lineup, hoping they may be an added chapter.

Well stop! Don't contact me because you are really that much of an a--hole that you can't help but want to be documented. Ask me out because you know you have more to offer than the guys I dated in the past. Please, show the man you are...not the man you are trying to be, who mind you, women really don't care for.

At any rate, here are the men I'm contemplating writing about so far:
Chris - the new Ken for book number two. He has no idea I like him and yet my hand shakes and my voice quivers every time I talk to him...at the gym.

Man 1 - after meeting at a bar and learning we had similar jobs it took three months for this guy to actually make plans with me. Then when we did meet up the plans went completely sour. He brought along an obnoxious friend, I brought one that tends to speak her mind. He was a player and for the first time in my life I stood up for myself and called him on it. No more players, I refuse.

Man 2 - met him and all his friends while they were out celebrating a bachelor party. He asked if I would be his girl for the night. Though I thought it sounded random, his name ended up being Chris, which was enough reason to take a chance. The night ended when he thanked me for my kiss and said he was going home to his girlfriend.

Man 3 - met at a bar where we spent the entire evening chatting. He asked for my number, then proceeded to text me on an average weeknight, asking me to get naked and call me from the couch. Is this guy for real? Sadly, yes he was. With my bad luck I ran into him again. My friend somehow picked him out as the cutest guy out that night and when she decided she would tell him this, who he was suddenly came flooding back. He proceeded to hit on my friend and ask if she wanted a drink.

Man 4 - a friend that I have known for a long time but haven't actually seen in probably five years. After months of talking about meeting up, he finally asked me out. He then proceeded to stand me up without putting in a phone call. When I got home to look him up online, he had coincidentally deleted his profile from myspace.

Man 5 - met while out partying for a Bachlorette party. He walked with a cane since he had been hit by a car...twice. He had the worst come on lines I'd ever heard. Stumbling to the dance floor he threw his cane toward my friend, asking her to take it back to the table while he showed me his moves. He danced rather crazily without that cane and when I asked for his name he told me it was Chris. I really had to stop asking God to let me see Chris while out.

Man 6 - hot, hot, hot model I know from the gym. I am not interested in him nor is he interested in me; we are indeed only friends. After finding out about the website he has taken interest in asking for advice about his personal dating disasters. I have taken him on as a bit of a project as I have no idea how a guy like him can be single. Yet I also don't have any clue why I am single either. I am not the female version of Hitch.

Stay tuned as I add to the growing list! Read more!

The Game of Knowing Your Name

Now that Chris and I actually know one another’s names it seems we are seeing a lot more of each other...at the gym! What do you know? I don't see the guy or his running partner for weeks at a time and then I'm fortunate enough to see him three days in a row. Is it fate? Why not consider it to be just that?

I look quickly at the ground as Chris enters the front door. I don't want him to think I was keeping an eye out for him. Rather, I'll pretend to notice him out of my peripherals.

"Hi Jenny," he says as I casually look up and act surprised to see him standing right there in front of me.
"Oh hi Chris! How are you today?"
"Good, good." Great! I mean this is the start to an actual conversation, is it not?
“Okay, well I'm off to run with Eric. Take it easy!" Fine, well it was the start to an actual conversation.

I need to think of things to talk to him about. Otherwise I find myself gazing at his reflection in the mirror that I should rather be using to focus on my form. Geesh, when did I become such mush for a man?

But I’ve ran into him three days in a row and yet our exchanges never pass the simple “hello”. But they will, I know it. I've broken the ice, now I just have to be patient. Plus I must remember to be my normal bouncy, smiley self. That's sure to win him over.

The greatest part about all of this is that when I see Chris, Ken actually disappears from my mind. Rather than comparing poor this new potential, like I normally would, I find that I am wiping my crush slate clean and Ken is far, far away from my thoughts. That's healthy. I mean after all, if I don't let go of one person entirely is there really room to open my heart to someone new? I think not and that's why hot runner man is perfect.

The coincidences of all this happening are just too great. The universe is sending symbols and they are not to be ignored, only enjoyed.
Read more!

Hot Runner Man's name is...

Jenn is right. No more obsessing over hot runner man. Gosh I don’t even know his name! How can I possibly spend one more day thinking he could potentially be the one? It’s just ridiculous. Why does this feel like a "Ken" situation all over again?

So starting today there will be no more flitting around the gym, praying for hot runner man to take just one glance at me. And certainly no more holding my breath that he will open his mouth to say something to me. Nope, from here on out I am at the gym to workout, not to revolve around what hot runner man is up to. And if I really do want to talk to him, well then so be it. I’ll march right up and say whatever I please.

Here it is, another afternoon at the gym for weights. But today is different. Today it's all about me. I’m going to set my Ipod volume to high and power out my regular old routine. I’m not going to glance at the front door to try and take note of hot runner man and friend entering. Nope, I’m not even going to look.

And then, that’s when it happens. I make it nearly half an hour but while sweating and grunting out weights in the girliest way possible, I turn and nearly run smack dab into…hot runner man and friend. I breathe in quickly, nearly gasping. It's time; I must say something. I mean I almost ran smack dab into him! If I walk away then I appear to be rude! Okay Jenny, confidence up!

I delicately pull my headphones away from my ears and smile wide.
“Hi guys!” I say sounding overly enthusiastic. “I haven’t had the pleasure of seeing you here for awhile.”
Then it happens, hot runner man speaks. In fact he even smiles while doing so. “Oh we have been bad. Traveling for work, you know. It’s hard to keep up.”
Great! He travels for work! So do I. That means he will understand my way of living! Wait, this is exactly what I shouldn't be doing, making stuff up in my head! I promised myself that I would not even think about him!
“I do know,” I reply in the friendliest manner I can. “I travel too, hence why I’m here twice a day for a week and then disappear for two.”
“Oh so then you understand." Yes! Of course I understand! Obviously we are meant to be! "We both go to China for work, which is a really long flight.”
“ Wow that sounds brutal. Furthest I go is the Caribbean.” Okay Jenny, be cool. Just smile and walk away. No need to carry on in conversation at the gym. Jenn would certainly not be impressed to hear that I am still chasing around hot runner man. I should be out focusing on finding Chris, according to her. But maybe just one more thing. Shouldn’t hurt too much, right?
“So, listen I know this is weird, but what are your guys names anyway? So I can stop calling you the hot runner men?” Oh my, I can't believe I just said that.
Both men laugh loudly, shocked obviously at my straight forwardness.
Hot runner man holds out his arm presenting his running partner. “My friend here is Eric.”
“Oh hi Eric, pleasure to meet you in person." I don't care about Eric! Come on, he's married! I mean, cute, sure but um...no! I want to know YOUR name hot runner man! Why are you killing me like this?
I stand anxiously moving heel to toe. Finally hot runner man holds his own hand out to shake mine, “And my name is Chris."

My hand shakes and I feel my face get very hot and extremely red. “Chris?”
“Yes,” he says looking at me oddly. I can only imagine the look on my face right now. His name is Chris? Hot runner man’s name is Chris? Is this too good to be true? “And your name?”
I open my mouth as very shaky words make their way out. “Um hi, my name, um my name is Jenny.” His name is Chris?
“Well Jenny, nice to finally put a name to the face.”
Oh Chris, you have no idea.

“Jenn? You are never going to believe this!”
“Try me; why on earth are you calling me in the middle of the day anyway?”
I laugh and see that I look at my hands, which have not stopped shaking since leaving the gym an hour before.
“His name...I found out his name.”
“Who are you talking about? Oh no, Jenny, come on, don’t you dare go on about hot runner man again. I can't handle you having another Ken situation.”
“But Jenn, I found out his name.”
“I understand that but Jenny, I told you that it isn’t doing you any good to chase around these guys from the gym—”
“Jenn, his name is Chris!”
Jenn instantly stops what she is in the middle of saying, obviously not expecting to hear what she just did.
“Oh my, well this is a whole new playing field, isn’t it? I can’t believe I’m saying this, but he might actually be the one! I can’t believe his name is Chris!”
“Me either Jenn, me either.”
Read more!

Ken, Ken, Ken

There he is, being his normal great self. I see him coming towards me while I attempt another chin up. And just like that number eight feels like 20. My hands tremble and my palms nearly lose their grip, beaded with sweat.
"Come on girl, stomach in and squeeze your gluts." It’s just like him to march right up and instruct me on how to have better form.
I grunt out one last chin up and jump to the ground.
"Hi Ken! You’re looking good today!" That was a little out of the norm for me to say. Oh well, do I ever have control of what comes out of my mouth when I am around him?

Play it cool Jenny. No frolicking around hoping he will say something extraordinary. You've been waiting six years; there is no need to wait any longer.
"How are you?"
"I'm good," he says smiling slightly, appearing to look me up and down. Hmmm, maybe this new tight workout outfit really does make a difference!
"Well I'm heading upstairs for weights class. Are you doing weights down here?"
"Yeah, until spin starts. Are you going to do spin tonight?" he inquires with slight interest in his voice.
This is where I should fill you in on just how crazy I am. I already did kickboxing earlier in the day for an hour and about 200 sit ups. Now I'm back for weights class, which is a lot further then most people would already go. But now to do spin? Is he crazy?
"I would love to!" What? Did I just say that?
"But you have to get on the list half an hour before class and you will be in another session. Do you want me to sign you up?"
"If you can that would be great. If they don't let you though, well then it's not meant to be. I have to jam upstairs, see you soon!"

An hour later I am racing back downstairs, hopeful that I got in the spin class after all. "Jenny," Ken yells across the gym. Dang he is with that same girl that was totally dogging me the other night. Why is she scowling at me? "I got you in! Grab number nine or ten, either one!" he shouts.

Nine or ten, nine or ten; just where is nine? Oh there it is! And then ten? Hmmm, what? Right next to nine? Oh no. Now I'm going to be forced to work extra hard in order to impress him. NO! I can't do this! I can't fall into this Ken trap again. We are friends. He doesn't care about me and really, I don't care about him either, right? Uh!

"You hungry?" he asks, mounting the bike next to mine and shoving a carb booster into his mouth.
"Nope, I'm good. Thanks though." I smile to myself, clicking my shoes into my own bike. Why does he always make me feel like this?
Class starts and its back to the same old Ken and Jenny show. I sweat like a maniac while he teases me about my form, my water intake, basically everything he can. We laugh at the way the teacher counts and the music that decides to suddenly blast around us. I feel dizzy from working out a little too much today but all in all...I feel good. It's Ken, it's my lobster.
"Hey, Jenny, you don't look good. Girl, you need to eat when you are working out this hard. Here," he says opening an incredibly unappetizing looking granola bar.
"Mmm-mm,” I shake my head no, sweat pouring from the top of my head.
"Eat this." He forcibly breaks the bar off in sections and sticks part in my mouth. I suddenly realize there are others in class watching our disgusting display. I'm sure they are all thinking to themselves, "Would these two do it already?"
I cough and I choke and I chew, chew, and chew the small unappetizing bite of granola. In this moment of time it is the most disgusting thing I have ever tasted. It molds to the inside of my mouth and does not allow me to swallow. I continue to chew and work it around, wishing I could spit it out.
"Jenny! Good grief, swallow it with water!" Ken directs watching me humorously.
Finally swallowing, I look at him and laugh out loud. "Don't you ever do that to me again! I don't take water breaks during songs and yet that just stuck all over the inside of my mouth!"
"You are so grose!" We laugh out loud, paying no attention to the orders coming from the instructors or the looks being thrown from the others in class.

The greatest part about being around Ken is that I am me. I don't concentrate on what he is thinking about me. In fact I find that I don't even care.
"Do you like my new cute outfit and matching workout bag?" I ask flirtatiously spinning on one shoe.
"Yes, lovely. All of it. Actually it's kind of sick the way you match."
"I know!" I am entertained by his ability to not give a hoot how I look.
"I feel like pizza," he says while he waits for me to tie on my normal shoes and reach for my coat.
"You do? Why pizza?" This is the test Ken, you have to ask me. I have asked you to go to eat or have a drink so many times over the years but no more fishing. I'm not about to jump to conclusions, even if it is just to join you for pizza. Nope, you need to ask point blank.
"But not Domino's or anything like that." Ya well no kidding Mr I just ate the driest, healthiest granola bar on earth.
He patiently lingers while I recklessly exit weaving in and around the stationary bikes. My hair is a mess and I work to pull my jacket onto my hot, sweaty body that is carrying an extra pair of shoes and enormous, colorful gym bag.
"Jenny, give me that bag while you do that," he says shaking his head at my clumsiness, pulling my bag off my arm and shoes out of my hand.
"Thanks, so pizza huh?" Ken stands next to me not saying a word. Well I guess this is a wrap then! I'm not going to recommend anything else. Okay fine, one more try. "What about California Pizza Kitchen or something?" Now seriously Jenny, that's it, no more recommendations.
"I don't know. I guess I'm going to go rinse off and change."
"Oh okay." See? He won't do it! Not now, not ever.
"Come here," he says pulling my hot, sweaty body in right there in the middle of the gym.
"I'm sweaty Ken!"
"I know and I am too." He hinders but hugs me close then backs away. "So...um, I guess I'll see you soon."
Whatever, I knew he wouldn’t actually do it. I sling my bag over my shoulder, give one last smile and walk away.

Yet again, an enchanting gym evening with Ken and yet I still don't ask him the things I'm dying to know. I open my mouth but the words just never come out....Ken, if I had expressed I wanted to be more than friends, would anything have ever come out of it? Am I crazy to think you and I could have ever been anything?

Apparently I really am just that crazy. Read more!

Chris and Only Chris

I can’t walk around and pretend to not notice hot runner man anymore. As a matter of fact, I need to put an end to calling him hot runner man. Well, soon that is.

I’m going to make it a point to talk to him. Today maybe. Yes today. I will just march right up to him at the gym and say, “Hello, hot runner man. My name is Jenny.”


Let’s face it; I already know we would be a good match. I mean I’ve seen him in my favorite two places, Starbucks and the gym. Then being oddly matched to his profile on match.crap had to be a sign, right? I don’t really know whether or not he’s available, since his profile showed that he hadn’t been online for over 3 weeks, but the whole situation had to mean something. Then to run into him, okay well not really run into him, but see him at Street Scene? Come on! We obviously enjoy doing the same things.
I have to say something!

Here I am, working out on a regular Tuesday afternoon…again. Of course I’m wearing my most fashionable workout outfit. You know, just in case.
But I never see him. Hot runner man isn’t in the gym today. In fact, he hasn’t been to the gym in awhile. Is it possible that he knows I saw him online? Is he going to a different gym now? Maybe he got a new job?

Why am I over thinking everything? I need to give up on hot runner man. Building myself up to talk to him and then not even seeing him is proving to be torture.

“No more about hot runner man Jenny,” screams Jenn on the other end of the phone. “I’m serious. I told you a long time ago to stop pursuing guys at the gym. They aren’t any good for you.”
I sigh knowing she is right. “I know. I just don’t know where else to meet people. I’m always there and I’m comfortable in that atmosphere. Plus, I like the chase, you know that.”
“Yes! I do know that! And it needs to stop! I’m telling you, it’s all about Chris. Regular, average Chris.”
“But Jenn, last time I met a Chris I got all pumped up and then he ended up telling me he had a girlfriend! Post the make out session too!”
Jenn clicks her tongue slightly annoyed on the other end. “That was just bad luck. Obviously he wasn’t the right Chris. But the right Chris is out there. I just know it. You have to keep trying.”
“I know, I mean what else can I do? So no hoping I run into hot runner man out and about this evening?”
“Jenny, no! Just go out and meet average Chris. It’s going to happen tonight! Okay? Then call me tomorrow and tell me all about it!”
“Okay, fine. Thanks for your never ending support.”
I hang up with Jenn laughing.

I’m not going to meet average Chris. Not tonight, not ever. How on earth does that girl think these things up?
Read more!

Hot Runner Man Sighting

Becky and I went to Street Scene. For those of you who don’t know, Street Scene is a really a huge concert festival with on average 50 performers a day.

The concerts were good. As always, I was in love with Snoop Dawg. But the biggest highlight of the day came down to three little words known as “Hot Runner Man”

It’s early still, maybe around 5:00pm; light enough to easily make our way around and find what I’m craving most, a nice cold beer. Becky and I walk toward the large techno tent where we plan to get the evening started. There we can get some beers and shots and do some warm up dancing to solid music.

Becky is going on and on about something. I can barely hear her over the music as we walk across the hot pavement, nearing the techno tent.
“So there is no way I am going to go there with him!” she tells me, about who I haven’t, a clue.
“What? I can’t even hear what you are saying or who you are talking about,” I reply, working to shut her up for a bit.
“You know what I am saying?”
No Becky, I haven’t a clue what you are saying now.

I freeze, suddenly unable to move or speak. Becky gets seven or eight feet ahead of me before she finally realizes I’m not next to her.
“Hey! What is with you,” she says making come on gestures with her arm.
I rush up to her quickly, turning my head in the direction of the two men who just passed.
“Oh my gosh!” I scream borderline ecstatic. “It’s hot runner man!”
“What? You have got to be kidding me!” yells back Becky with a shocked look upon herself. “Who’s hot runner man anyway?”
I laugh nervously squeezing her hand that I managed to grab in shock.
Will I run into him again? Will I tell him I saw him next time I see him at the gym? Did hot runner man see me?

“Go talk to him!” yells Becky after my quick, brief explanation.
“No way,” I tell her shaking my head. “There is no way I am going to talk to him. What would I say? Hey remember me from the gym and Starbucks that morning when I was a complete wreck? Hey I saw you on match.com but I promise I’m not a stalker? Um, no way Becky.”
“Fine, then let’s keep making our way to the tent.”

That’s all I did see of hot runner man that day. Read more!

Something Seems Fishy

I get his email mid week:
I want to see you. I know you enjoy being outside and walking so meet me at the Shelter Island Pier Saturday. Let's walk, catch up, have fun.
Finally! An actual meeting apart from email
Sounds great! I'll be there at 1pm. Looking forward to seeing you!
It's Saturday and I am nervous driving to the Shelter Island pier that I had to look up online to find directions to. I don’t believe I’ve ever been there, though all the turns seem somewhat familiar. It takes me longer to get there that I expected, but finally arriving I hop out of my car at exactly 1:00. Not a minute too soon. I prefer to arrive at places earlier. I like to get a taste of my surroundings, grounding myself for the unexpected; but today I will just have to roll with the punches.
Walking towards the pier I begin to recognize the surroundings even more. The memory of this exact place comes flooding back and I smile being given the opportunity today to make a new, better memory for this pier.
See it was about a year and a half ago that I came here with my ex. I was in hopes that we could spend more time together. But sadly, his idea of spending more time together turned into dragging me along for a day of fishing, off this exact pier. He spent the afternoon fishing, after he borrowed $35 from me for a new net (I never did get my money back). Then he sent me out to buy sandwiches and when I returned he persistently yelled at me for talking too much. Apparently I was disturbing the fish. Hence, the time I was hoping to be valuable, turned into a day I wish I could take back.
But this afternoon will be different. I am on a new adventure with a new guy. Now I just have to find him.
Dressed rather sporty but definitely cute I strut up and down the pier. My stomach is in nervous knots but I study the faces of each fisherman on the pier. They in turn stare intently back, questioning why I am even there. As I approach the far end of the pier, the smell of fish is strong that I wonder if I might be soaking up some of the stench myself. I carefully skip over the half dried spots of fish blood splattered below.
Okay, so where is this guy? I scan to the left seeing mostly older men. Nope, not there. Would he even be fishing? That would be strange. We were planning to meet here and walk. Oh well, I should still check. I walk to the left, studying the toothless men chugging warm beers out of their cans, cigarettes dangling from their mouths. Ew, remind me not to date a hard core fisherman.
Great so my date has not arrived yet. I relax against the warm railing, soaking up the sun. This is the life I think to myself, counting the sailboats and wondering how each man's fishing lines don't tangle with one another’s.

I glance at my phone to check the time. Hmmm, 1:25. It's starting to get late. Is there any chance he was in a car accident? Perhaps he works in construction and fell off a roof, yes certainly that must be why he's running late. But to not even call? He'll be here soon, right?
I strut anxiously up and down the pier, the men continuing to stare.
I check my phone again...now its 1:37. Nearly 40 minutes late. Is anyone really that tardy for a date? I'm going to walk along the waterfront, you know, just in case he missed me somehow and is doing the same. Am I really this pathetic? Yes, yes I am.
I walk happily along the sidewalk, the sound of children playing up ahead. A good looking guy makes his way toward me, hobbling in a walking cast and leaning on crutches. I step to the side, allowing him to easily pass.
"Okay, I'll take that," he says, flashing a smile as he hobbles by.
"No problem," I respond wondering if perhaps he's the reason I came to the pier in the first place. "I just got out of one of those," I tell him nodding at the cast. "I feel your pain."
"Ya, uh thanks," he answers me dashing away faster than I have ever seen someone move on crutches. Do I have 'crazy girl' stamped on my forehead or something?
I give up and turn, making my way back to the pier. Fine, I give up.
I stop at the pier for one last look but instead of finding my non existent date, I spot a ranger. He's cute and seems approachable and friendly. "Um excuse me, but is this the only Shelter Island Pier?"
The ranger smiles apologetically. "Yes it is. Are you meeting someone here?"
"I thought so.” I giggle slightly and shrug, very unsure. “So this is the only Shelter Island Pier huh? Darn!" He laughs, looking at me inquisitively. "Okay, well then my next question is how long would you actually wait before you accepted that you had been stood up?"
The ranger looks at me seemingly shocked, but also as if this may be the most entertaining conversation he gets all day. "Hmm, how long have you been waiting?"
I look at my phone for the last time. "Forty minutes."
"Twenty Minutes?" the ranger asks sounding appalled.
"No, not twenty, forty minutes."
"Oh, well, that is too long." He shakes his head in obvious disappointment. "What a dick."
I laugh at his honesty. "Well --"
"Sorry, but seriously, he is. Did he call? Was the pier your idea or his?"
"No, he never called. And it was his idea to meet at the pier. Can you imagine me recommending meeting at a fishing pier?" I ask laughing out loud for the first time in an hour.
"Oh boy...where did you meet him?"
I think about this one momentarily, slightly embarrassed to admit. "Online," I finally tell the ranger.
"Wow," he replies looking still slightly shocked. "Obviously this guy doesn't know what he is missing. I mean it's not every day that a beautiful girl is seen walking up and down this pier."
Oh that was sweet. Mr. Ranger likely feels obligated to say that, but I'll take it. Hell I'm here now; I may as well take this as far as it will go! "No kidding! I just got stood up at a fishing pier! I just wrote a book about dates like this!"
"Really? You mean you really wrote a book?"
"Yup, I sure did."
"Wow! Do you have a card? I'm Brian."
I hand the ranger my card and end my afternoon having a great conversation with a nice guy that I never expected to meet.
“So what now Jenny? I mean, since this guy blew you off.”
“What else can I do? I’m going shopping!” Read more!

Is It Better to Stay Interested in 100 Different Men?

I wonder. Is it better for me to have a small crush on five different men then it is to have a huge crush on just one? I mean increases my chances of actually dating one of them, right? Or do I go from enjoying one of them to the next, constantly running away from a commitment that I am subconciously terrified of?

Am I afraid to have a relationship? No, no I'm definitely not. Am I afraid of letting someone into my life, inviting them into my home, cooking with them, shopping with them, holding their hand for comfort...slowly but surely becoming a part of one another's lives? Yes, yes I definitely am. But if I'm sick of being single, then isn't that a risk worth taking? It seems like it should be.

Let's face it, one of my five interests smiles or emails or even walks by with a slight wave and my day is made. Yet I am so afraid of becoming attached to someone and in turn being hurt, that I may never experience the greatness of being in love.

So what to do? Keep at my game of smiling, waving but always acting too cool to really let someone in? Maybe none of them are even interested in dating me! That would make it even worse, would it not? And why oh why is every single one of them from the gym? I need to change my routine, go out with new people to different places. If what I'm doing now isn't working then who's to say it's ever going to change?

Is it common for people to become overly independent as they get older? Does the daily routine of watching particular shows, eating microwaveable food for dinner or simply deciding not to make the bed one morning eventually take over?

I wonder...am I giving out a particular sense that tells men that I don't really want to fall in love? I have wracked my brain at why else I could possibly be single. I already know that I laugh quite often and entirely too loud, my hair is whacked out to no end and when I workout I sweat like a maniac...but that's who I am. Those aren't reasons for someone to decide they shouldn't get to know me better. So what else could it possibly be?

I pray that if I do send out this vibe that one man actually sees through it and whisks me off my feet, because I promise...I am indeed ready to be in love...no matter what my fears on the outside show. Read more!

Did I Ever Have a Chance With You?

Ken was at the gym tonight. For those of you that only follow my blogs and don't know who Ken is, well Ken is what I have thought of as my soul mate (if soul mates really do exist) for about seven years. I don't see him often. And when I do one or the other of us is dating someone else. He intimidates me and yet intrigues me just the same. He can turn me on just giving me the small smile he every so often does. But Ken is far too committed to his body and his workouts. They are number one in his life and always will be. Even when we were closer friends, his workouts and eating right were put well ahead of me.
To make a long story short, we used to be tight, Ken and I. We never kissed, though I believe we dated since we would spend one or two nights a week going to dinner after working out. We would laugh, talk openly and to me he was most certainly the one.
There he is. He's talking to some girl. I'm just going to walk on and pretend I don't see him. I'm a little bit nervous to talk to him since I wrote the book. I can't tell him he begins and ends it and yet I've never even told him after all these years that I still have a soft spot in my heart for him.

SNAP, what the heck was that? I turn and catch Ken quickly grabbing the towel off the ground that he just used to snap my ass with.
"Hi Ken, what's up?" I say as if I just saw him yesterday. The girl he was talking to earlier stands close to him looking me up and down. What's her problem? Geesh, he came to me lady. I actually avoided him when I saw you guys earlier. Get off me!
"How are you?" Ken inquires, checking me out slyly like he always does.
"Good, gotta run! Have a good workout!" I jog off to nowhere, anything to get me away from Ken and what is obviously his new prospect.

I'm working the stair climber rather than doing spin class like I usually do. Amy and I have plans to go to dinner after workout tonight so I can't stay late for spin, despite my wanting to do so.
"Hey sweaty girl," Ken stands below the stair climber gazing up at the sweat flooding from my body.
Good grief, could I be any more disgusting? I'm completely broken out from being taken off birth control, my hair is a rats nest and pools of sweat are below me. I don't even want Ken to see me right now.
"Hi there," I return his gaze, catching myself smiling like I always do around him.
"So what's new?" he asks mysteriously.
What can I say? Oh you know Ken, I wrote a book and you open and close it. By the way did you have any idea that you are the only man I have ever truly envisioned myself permanently with? I've never even kissed you but I've dreamt of it so many times I can't even tell you.
"Not much is new. Just working out a lot and trying to stay healthy, you know."
"Are you coming here a lot Jenn?" Ken has always been one of the only guys in my life to call me Jenn and he is the only person that makes me feel comfortable in going by that.
"Ya, I guess. Though I'm also learning the meaning of rest. You know me, I had to learn about that and I think I am."
"Good, good," Ken shakes his head robotically though I'm not sure he actually hears me. "How come I haven't seen you much here?"
"Guess we've just been on different schedules," I reply still dripping sweat bordering his hand that rests on my machine. Say it now Jenny. Tell him you miss him. Tell him you wish the two of you could go back to how we used to be, close. Just let him know. Take the chance because it doesn't mean as much anymore. Just take the chance for you. "So, um, who was the girl?" What? Why did I just ask that?
Ken laughs and bends to grab his bag off the floor. "Just a friend Jenn."
"Oh ya, okay. I was just wondering."
"Mmm, hmmm. You doing spin tonight?"
"No, I'm gonna take a rest," I say wondering why the things I want to say to him never come out right.
"Okay, see you soon right?"
"Right," I tell him my heart yet again floating to the bottom of my stomach.

Ken stretches for 10 minutes while I continue on the stair climber, trying to work up the guts to just ask him if I'm crazy. I don't care anymore. Honestly I really don't. However he answers won't make or break me. But I'm dying to just ask him once, "Ken if I had just taken a chance on you, would you have ever accepted it? Would you and I ever have had a chance at being more then friends? I don't ask because I care anymore. I ask because I don't want to be hopeful about these guys anymore if I really never even stood a chance with you."

That's it, plain and simple. But if it really doesn't matter anymore, why can't I just say it? Read more!

When you like someone, get to know their friends

The gym went well today! So I didn’t really talk to hot runner man! Why lie, I didn’t even mumble one single word to him. But his running partner went out of his way to be friendly. That’s something, isn’t it?

There they are. Hot runner man and friend are working their abs on the stomach curling machine. One look and my palms are sweating. I’m just going to casually walk by, why not? I’m here to workout. So what if I happen to be looking to work on the new machine right next to them.

“Hey there.”
Wait, did I just hear something? Are they talking to each other? Could they possibly be talking to me? I turn very slightly to see friend of hot runner man starring at me smiling.
I whip my head back sure he must be talking to someone behind me. But no one! There is not one but me anywhere near them.
“Oh, um, hi,” I say, shyer than I have ever heard myself sound before.
“What ever happened to your workout partner you used to come in here with?”
Wouldn’t you know it; they want to know what happened to my old workout partner. Heaven forbid they ask about me.
“Oh she got a new job, that or a new boyfriend? Anyway, she can’t come here anymore.”
Both men snicker as if they have already discussed the next thing to say.
“Well it certainly shows that you have stuck with the workouts.”
I giggle suddenly conscious of my every move. “It’s hard to do this alone all the time. You two are lucky to be able to motivate each other.”
Hot runner man has yet to speak a word. He stands dead still while his friend takes the time to talk to me.
“Well you keep up the good work girl,” his friend goes on. “You look great; like you’ve gotten in some serious shape over the holidays.”
They noticed? Wait, hot runner man still hasn’t mentioned one word. But his friend noticed that I’ve been working my tail off to get in better shape, right? Is that what he means?
“Well thanks! Only the strong survive, right?”
“You got that right,” replies hot runner man’s friend.
Please hot runner man, say something! It’s easy; just say you agree with your friend and that I look amazing! Oh hell, go all the way and say you would love to take me out on a date!
But hot runner man doesn’t say a single word. He shrugs and gives a small grin, refusing to even flash his teeth. Oh well, at least his friend noticed me…his married friend by the way!
I shrug back at them, my self confidence finally returning.
“Okay boys keep up the good work! Bye!” I skip off, smiling hugely as I pass the machine I never did figure out how to use today.

One step at a time Jenny. At least I'm one step closer.
Read more!

Manifesting My Man

It’s funny how we can truly manifest the things we want. Though we must really be careful of what we ask for.

Sandy and I begin our nightly festivities in Pacific Beach at Moondoggies bar. It has already been a long day of listening to music in the sunshine and standing in far too long of lines for beers. Hence, we have decided to take our party elsewhere and grab a bite to eat.

“We’ll start with a quesadilla,” I tell the waitress.
“Anything to drink?”
Sandy is thinking for far too long. “I want a long island ice tea please.” I’m going strong. After all, haven’t I just wasted the whole afternoon pounding beer and not catching a buzz?
“Ooohhhhhhhhh! Yah man!” I hear a group of voices from behind. Definitely male they are talking loud and inappropriately. It sounds as if there must be 20 of them!
“Who is behind me?” I whisper to Sandy who is still trying to decipher her drink of choice.
“Um, about 20 hot guys. Don’t turn around.” Don’t turn around? She has got to be kidding me. I don't turn, instead I carefully, yet obviously scoot my chair clear around the table to the other side, facing the guys head on. “What are you doing?” Sandy says looking appalled.
“What does it look like? I would like a better view of the scenery,” I reply while sipping the long island ice tea that was just placed in front of me.

Within 10 minutes the guys are standing, taking note of Sandy and me watching their every move.
“Hi ladies,” a tall guy says heading in our direction. “I must say I admire the way you moved your chair clear around to the other side of the table so that you could see us," he says, shaking his head and pointing at me.
I laugh out loud. “Well how couldn't I? I mean you boys created quite a ruckus.”
“We are here for our buddies Bachelor party. And you girls?” he asks pulling up a spare chair at our table. A majority of the other guys from the party catch their buddy talking to us girls and quickly make their way over.

Before I can say "no", rounds of drinks are purchased and scattered across our table. Sandy and I find outselves surrounded by the 20 men who are obviously ready to party. They tease and touch and work to determine their limits with us.
“Care to join us at the next bar?” one asks.
My mouth quickly opens to reply, “Heck y—!”
“Um no!” Sandy quickly jumps in. I look at her open mouthed and speechless. “Jenny, we are not about to follow these guys around and crash a bachelor party!” she whispers intently.
“What? Why not? We aren’t hurting anyone. Live on the edge a little more. Now let’s go!”
Sandy sighs but stands to join me. “Alright.”
I smile and walk amidst the twenty men.

Stumbling down the street, we all talk fast and flirt carelessly. The men come in close then pull away, fighting for our attention. We know it’s only a matter of time before more women join the party and we become chopped liver but we agree to enjoy it while we can.

“Come here,” one of the guys says pulling me apart from the group.
“Hi there,” I say flattered at being torn away.
“I must say, I love your hair. I love your energy. Are you always this much fun?”
I laugh already knowing how I’ll answer, “Hmm, let me think. Yes, I am always this much fun.”
“Will you be my date for the night?” he asks almost shyly.
“This early? I have to decide this soon?”
“Yes, please. I want to be the guy in this group who wins you over. I think you are gorgeous.”
Well he is certainly saying all the right things. So what if he's said it to a million other women. His hand securely wraps around mine as he awaits my answer. “What is your name?”
“My name is Chris.”
Well that's finalized. Isn’t this what Jenn told me to do? No matter what, just go out with average Chris as soon as you meet him, I believe is how she put it. Didn’t she make me promise?
“Jenny? Are you there?” Bachelor Chris shakes my shoulders back into reality. “You okay?”
I look at him and smile slightly, feeling my face grow warm. “Okay Chris, I’ll be your special girl for the night.”
Chris links my arm and we don’t rush to catch the rest of the group up ahead.

The party has grown. Several women have been added, all of which I must admit are very cool. Stumbling forward we push ourselves into a dark but very lively dance club.
“Come on! Let’s dance!” Chris says pulling my hand further into the darkness.
He is onto my every move. I dance forward and he moves back. He lifts my arm and I turn delicately into his chest. It’s fun. We laugh and we dance and we drink.
Could this be the one? Could Jenn have been right? Is this the average Chris I was destined to meet?
“Jenny,” Chris says pulling me in for a slow, hot dance.
“Yes?” I say grateful to have met him tonight when this was all so unexpected.
“I know I’ve already told you 100 times tonight but you are amazing. You laugh, you dance and you are tons of fun. All the guys love you. I think I love you! How on earth did I get so lucky to meet you tonight?”
“You are just very fortunate,” I reply sweetly.
Chris lays it on thick and kisses me passionately on the dance floor. I surrender and drop my hands to my sides, allowing the warmth of this new interest to take over.
“I like you Jenny, a lot in fact.” The smile is painted across my face. “I wish I didn’t have to leave tomorrow.”
“What do you mean? Where are you going?” Surely he’ll call when he gets back in town, right?
“I am just here for the bachelor party. I don’t live in San Diego.”
“Oh, sure. Okay.” I say, trying to hold onto the night for what it is. “Well it was fun tonight, right?”
“It sure was,” he says holding onto me as if I may run away. “I would much rather stay with you then go back to my girlfriend.”
Every muscle in my body tenses. “Excuse me? You, um, have a girlfriend?”
“Yeah, I mean so I kissed you, right? Big deal. I wanted to have fun tonight and I sure did.”
I turn away, desperate to find Sandy and leave. He has a girlfriend? He was supposed to be a good guy! His name was Chris! This was supposed to be meant to be!
“I have to go,” I say pulling away.
“What? Why? It’s not like I’m completely happy with her, obviously.”
Oh now this guy wants me to throw him a pity party? I don’t think so.
“Stop, just stop,” I say throwing his hand away from my shoulder.

So the story goes, be careful what you ask for. I fear I’ve been mentally trying to find average Chris and what I found was certainly below average.
Read more!

Hot Runner Man does Match.crap

I saw hot runner man again today. What is it about him? I see him and my knees shake and my palms get all sweaty. Yet I have not said a word to him since that day I saw him in Starbucks. Sure, I walk by him and his jogging partner and give a little wave, but that's it. That's the gist of it.

I'm just going to check out the latest guys on match.crap. I will never join that cult again but it's good to look. See if anyone has anything new to say. Seems like the same old story every time I look. It's always these men who are sick of meeting women in bars. They are finally ready to find the real deal. They are convinced that every woman is a gold digger or a drunk. Well boys, when you are looking in bars and thinking in terms of the easiest way to get laid, those are indeed the types of women you will find. Maybe though, this time it will be different.

Let's see, let's pick my search engine of men. Hmmmm, I'll search age 30 to 37 within 15 miles of zip code 92126. Refine search? Yes indeed. Considering I will never date a Gemini again, let's go ahead and check mark every sign but that one. Appearance? I don't care. I'm being opened minded. Lifestyle? Okay NO smokers for sure. Drinker? Sure, socially one of two is fine. Okay that is enough...enter!
Cute...decent...scary. Hmmm, not bad. But isn't this site so for hook ups? What am I even doing looking? I swore off match.crap long ago. Would I ever even chance writing to one of these guys just to get 'I'm not interested' in return?

Oh my gosh! It's hot runner man! I am sure that is him! He is on match? This is crazy! Should I wink? No! What would he think? Well I'm here now; I may as well read up on him a bit. Okay, okay never married...good. Just one year older than me, good. Has a job...great! Won't date a smoker...awesome. His pictures show some traveling...fabulous. He is well humored in his writing, optimistic yet silly...awesome. And he's a Capricorn...just like me! So he should be someone that understands my humor and actions, right? Let's hope so!
I log off quickly, fearful he will know I checked out his profile. What would he think of mine I wonder? This has got to be a sign, right? I mean seeing him in Starbucks and now seeing (stalking, whatever) online? This is too good to be true. Will I say something to him in the gym? No! I can hear it now, "Oh hi hot runner man! So I know you saw me all disheveled and screwed up that morning in Starbucks but now I saw you on match.crap so I know you are single and I think you and I would be a perfect match together! By the way, what is your name anyway?"
Yeah, that should go over really well.
Guess I'll just return to dreaming of saying something, anything to him at the gym.
Read more!

Average Chris

Ode to Jenn, my very dear friend, who may live far away but likely knows me better than anyone else ever has.
"It will happen Jenny," she reminds me after I her bring her up to speed on my latest dating disaster. "I think you need to start looking for average guys though. No more of these ego centered guys from the gym. And maybe give yourself a break on the men you meet in other countries. I mean honestly Jenny, English isn't even their first language!"
I know she is right. Jenn and I moved to San Diego almost ten years ago together. We were both single at the time but before long she met her husband and since moved far away to North Carolina. "I just don't understand why you can't meet a good guy!" she tells me every time we talk. But neither do I, neither do I.
"Here's the thing Jenny, you need to meet average Chris. That's it! Let's face it your brothers name is Chris and he's a sweet heart. I never hear you meeting of a Chris when you are out at the bars. It's a simple name, a name of a man that is likely corn fed and easy going. Probably even from the mid west or California and raised to have manners. Yes, I am convinced; your future man's name is Chris."
Oh how easy Jenn thinks it is. I laugh at her uncomplicated answer and reply, "Okay so all I have to meet is Chris then, huh? Then all my dating disasters will be answered, right?"
"YES! Jenny, don't mock this. I'm very serious. It's all I am going to start focusing on. So next time you go out it doesn't matter what the guy looks like. If he says his name is Chris, well you go home with him and it will all work out great!"
"Oh yes, that should answer all my problems. Just start going home with every Chris I meet? Geesh Jenn! Are you really that in the dark now that you are married?"
We laugh together, she of course joking and I knowing that she certainly is not.

"So did you meet Chris last night?" Jenn sounds all too chipper for this Saturday morning.
"No, Jenn, I did not."
"Okay, well what are you doing tonight?"
I yawn, hoping the headache after last nights festivities will soon dissipate. "Mmm I think we are heading downtown for some dancing."
"Great!" she replies living vicariously through my adventures. "Well good luck! Wear that smile and something cute and when Chris comes and offers to buy you a drink don't think anything except for this is my man! Okay? It doesn't matter what he looks like or if his breath is horrendous, just make sure you stick with him! I feel it; Chris is the one for you!"
I laugh at her ridiculousness. "Fine, well I'll keep you posted on my search for Chris if that's what makes you happy."
"That IS what makes me happy Jenny. I just know it, I feel it. Have fun!"

Jenn is dead serious; she really thinks I'm going to be asked out randomly by a perfect man named Chris. I guess we'll have to wait and see. Read more!

Hot Runner Man Crush

Let's face it, I have a crush. It takes quite a bit for me to start liking someone but it takes even more for me to stop. So I'm a little nervous on this one. And wouldn't you know he's from the gym, shoot! I have got to stop with gym men.

I remember the first time I saw him. Busy with my weights routine I glanced up, spotting he and his friend entering the gym. Both in casual business attire, clean shaven, fit and well...cute. "Who are they?" I whisper to my workout partner.
"I'm not sure but I'll take that tall one any day." I drop the discussion before Becky, as usual, turns this conversation into being perverted.
They return every other day, change into their jogging attire and head into the heat for a run. In turn Becky and I refer to them as the hot runner men.
I don't get much opportunity to chat with the hot runner men. In fact I doubt they would ever recognize who I am outside of the gym. Instead I stick to my daily routine of spin or kickboxing and try not to stare at them when we happen to be doing the same weights routine.

It's Friday and I'm exhausted. I went out and tied one on last night, which was foolish to do on a weeknight. But it is Friday and I should wear something cute, just in case I end up going out after work. What will I wear?
I end up in an adorable pair of new black capri pants accented with my beaded, very high heel. High heel is not plural for a reason. On my left leg I wear an extremely obvious walking cast. I hate wearing this thing, especially when I am trying to dress up. It absolutely kills any decent outfit. But I am convinced that I need to work on looking like a lady despite the boot. Instead of worrying I top off my bottoms with a rather see through shirt and accent jewelry.
Perfect, I think to myself, trying to not stare at the huge boot below. Okay, makeup? Nah I think, knowing I'm running late as is and need ten extra minutes to stop for my Friday morning Starbucks. I'll put makeup on at work.
Rushing out the door I grab the leftover curry from last night out of the fridge. I hardly have time to make a sandwich today. This will have to do. I pile the curry on top of my laptop and work papers and quickly head out the door.
Pulling into Starbucks I feel slightly disheveled and know though I tried quite hard, I look ridiculous. Oh well, what do I care? At least I'm alive!
I open my door and carefully balance on my one high heel while dragging the walking cast out of the car. I gaze down, frustrated with the weight of this stupid boot and see a long strand of curry dribbled down the front of my see through adorable shirt. Shoot! You have got to be kidding me? This sucks! I scan my car and reach under the seat for my ever faithful hooded sweatshirt. I yank it over my head and completely mess up my already jacked up hair. Well this is lovely, don't I look fabulous. Adorable pants and ONE high heel are great but the walking boot, combined with a wrinkled hooded sweatshirt and a simply terribly hair day...well this is not good. I didn't even put on makeup! I really need that coffee.

I enter as graceful as possible, dragging my hurt leg behind. "A grande, nonfat caramel macchiato please, extra hot and extra caramel," I say while making hand gestures while saying extra caramel. Who do I think I am? A broken barista?
"You okay today Jenn?" the girl behind the counter asks.
"Oh yeah, just a rough morning. As if you couldn't tell right?"
She looks at me in a way that says, "You don't have to tell me twice!"
I make my way past the counter, awaiting my cup of joe.
Oh no! It's him! It's the hot runner man who I have crushed on for months! You have got to be kidding me? Did he see me? Why today? I look awful!
I quickly duck behind him, hopeful that if he did indeed see me he won't turn around and get a better look. I gaze down at myself and laugh at how truly ridiculous I am this Friday morning. I cannot believe this. But what am I going to do? Miss this perfect opportunity to say something to him? I should at least say hi. He has got to know who I am, right? I mean it's not like I look like every other girl in the gym...and thank God for that! I mean I am a disaster! If I don't say anything though, he may think I'm rude! Or stuck up! Oh no! He's reaching for his coffee and I'm going to miss my one and only chance! I slightly clear my throat and try to think. "Um hi," I say, sounding deeper than I ever have before. I should mention that on top of a slight hangover I also have a sinus infection. I should have practiced talking in my car this morning! I didn't realize I would sound this bad!
Hot runner guy turns toward my sick, grotesque "Hello."
He looks me up and down, refusing to smile. "Hi," he replies.
Okay this is good! I got a hello, right? It's something. Now what? I choke and clear my throat again. "Sorry, I'm a bit of a mess this morning. Anyway, don't you go to LA Fitness?"
As if I had to explain I was a mess. Obviously this is clear as day to him. "Yes, I recognize you from there. In fact, my friend and I have been wondering what happened to you."
YES! Did he say he recognized me? He and his friend have talked about me? This is fabulous! "Oh it kind of sucks but I tore my Achilles kickboxing."
"Ouch," hot runner man says back, showing not much emotion. "Okay well um, see you at the gym I guess. Have a good weekend."
Well he didn't exactly ask me out to dinner but he said have a great weekend, right? I will hot runner man, I most certainly will. Read more!

101 Awkward Situations

Uh oh...it's starting to happen. I'm running into the guys I wrote about. I suppose I thought I'd stay under the radar but that is proving to be very untrue.

The first time happened the other night.

My friend Dan is in town for the weekend and wants some of us to meet him for a glass of wine.
"Why not? I'd love to see you!" I respond, anticipating meeting up for one drink and then heading out.
Wouldn't you know I'm the first one to arrive. How awkward, plus I'm half an hour late. Where could everyone be? I look around at the cute, small wine bar that is new in town. Gazing to my right I spy a guy and his blond date sitting on the patio. Oh no, there is no way; that can't possibly be Oscar, can it?
"Bartender, um can I please have a glass of wine?" My stomach turns nervously thinking that guy could indeed be Oscar, one of the guys I wrote about. I quietly sip my wine and fight to avoid staring at him and his date. Finally Dan arrives from the door behind me.
"Hi!" I say reaching out to hug him tightly.
"Jenny! I'm so glad you made it! Please, come meet some of my friends." I shake hands with new comers that follow him in, plastering a fake, nervous smile across my face. Out of the corner of my eye I see the couple outside rise and walk towards the rest of us.
The gentleman looks at me, then darts his eyes away while I react the same. Shoot! That is for sure Oscar! How can this be? I live around the corner from the guy and have been successful at avoiding him for over a year. But now I see him when I have to hold intimate conversation with this new group of friends? What are the odds?
Oscar ventures near me after. "Jenny isn't it?" he says holding out the hand his date is not gripping tightly.
Isn't it? Isn't it? He is actually going to question whether or not he remembers my name? Wasn't this the guy that was full of obnoxious facts while we were dating? Yes, yes it was him. I can remember him spitting out, "Every man sleeps with a Jenn, Jenny or Jennifer in his lifetime." Well you aren't sleeping with this one pal. And I remember all too well the night he left my condo irate stating, "If a woman doesn't sleep with a man by the third date, she will never sleep with him". That was the last time I saw Oscar.
I respond sweetly, shaking his open but clammy hand. "Yes hi Oscar, it is me."

The seven of us gather around a table and hear all about Dan's International adventures. "So how do you like it?" one friend asks. "Are you and your girlfriend trying to get a place?" another inquires. Dan sits back ordering wine with authority.
"Oh it's great you guys. But let's not talk about me. How are you all doing?" It's so typical of Dan to not want the spotlight. "In fact, hey! Did you all get the email I sent last week about my friend who wrote a book based on her awful dating experiences?"
Wine nearly spurts out the back of my nose and burns my senses and head. Please Dan, no, no, no. Don't bring this up right now. What am I going to say?
"No, we don't recall that" one couple says. Okay good, subject dropped then.
"Oh well you must read it! Jenny here is the author! Can you believe it? She is hilarious and you will all just love it." I shoot my head over my shoulder hoping maybe, just maybe there is another Jenny in the area. My glass of wine trembles inside the glass as my heart does in my chest. Oscar looks to his right directly at me and then clenches his dates hand until it appears to turn white. "In fact, Amber, you and Jenny have a common date! Do you remember Carlos? You and Jenny both dated Carlos! Jenny isn't he in your book? I know you wrote about one of my friends, right?"
My eyes roll to the back of my head behind closed eyelids while I take a long, sip of wine. "You dated Carlos too?" Amber inquires.
"Um, yes." How can this be? Too many things are racing through my mind. First off, Amber is gorgeous! How on earth was I lucky enough to date one of the same guys she dated and yet still manage to lose him in the end? And secondly Oscar is staring at me with his mouth wide open and no words emerging. This is as awkward as it gets!
"And Carlos is in your book?" Amber continues pushing for information. "How exciting! Who else did you write about? I want to hear it all!"
"She is hilarious you guys! Go to her site and you can read all about it! It's in this month's social write up."
Nooooooooo! Don't go read it! Please no, this cannot be happening!
"Oh it's really no big deal. I didn't write about Carlos. He was nothing but nice really," I reiterate to Oscar as a bit of a warning. "I only wrote about my bad dates." Okay subject dropped. That's enough!
"But I know you wrote about someone from the group, right Jenny? What was that story? Tell us a funny story! Come on!"
My stomach knots inside and I breathe deeply knowing this is only the beginning.
"So Dan, tell us about Prague, honestly..." and luckily it works. Dan goes on to share pictures and stories of his own. Thank goodness!

"Let's go hit the wine bar downtown, shall we?" The group stands to move on while Oscars date continues to talk my ear off. The poor dear she has no idea.
"Actually we aren't going anywhere else Dan," Oscar says uncomfortably.
"What? How come? But you must!" Dan has no idea what turmoil Oscar is feeling right now.
"No, I have to get up early and well, we better get going." Oscar exits quickly, his adorable blond date following behind him while waving bye to the group.
I wait for them to turn the corner and then dart into the center of the circle. "Oh my gosh! Dan! I love you but right now I could simply kill you!"
"Me? Why? What did I do?"
Suddenly I have everyone's attention. "It wasn't Carlos that was the friend in my book. It's Oscar!"
All six of us roar with laughter. "You have got to be kidding me!" says Amber. "That is amazing and makes your stories even better!"
"Oh Jenny, I am so sorry," Dan says, giggling nervously. "I had no idea! Listen, maybe we come up with a sign so I know next time we around someone you dated. Tug on your ear or something, will you?" We explode into laughter until our bellies hurt. "Appears that your next book will be 101 awkward situations since the men are bound to find out eventually!"

Is this what stardom is? Am I going to have to watch my back everywhere I go? Read more!

Comments and or Questions

Please share any comments, questions or stories you have here. Read more!

Excerpt from the Book

I am out on a night I don’t want to be out. You know, those nights you’re leaning against the wall so long, you think you might actually be holding the wall up? A night when everyone around you is laughing, wearing beer goggles, or flat out swapping spit on the overzealous dance floor? Yes, it seems to be one of those nights. I am over the scene, not to mention the morning hours are approaching. I stopped drinking at least fifteen minutes ago and am spent with being out. I’ve had enthralling conversation with exactly zero guys, and, as always, I’ve been complimented on my hair by two girls - great. Can’t a guy ever love my hair?

Continuing to hold up the wall, I desperately scan the crowd for my friends. Even a $50 taxi ride is worth not standing here for another second. I peer through the dance floor, seeing the partially dressed women, now dancing with pools of sweat and makeup dripping down their faces. I am disgusted with the men performing their pelvic thrust moves behind these shamelessly drunk chicks.

That’s when I look up and see him walking towards me, unclothing me slowly with his eyes. He’s certainly cute, too! Remember, I haven’t been drinking for at least fifteen minutes, so my beer goggle vision must be 70/30, (you decide which way it swings). He has seducing eyes; hell they are undressing me! Plus a nice smile, a good grill you might say. And as I keep working my way up, I see his full head of naturally curly hair.

Seductively, this great hair, deep eye, straight grill man comes close enough to whisper in my ear, “I love your beautiful hair.” Now this is typically a hook, line and sinker for me. To say I am amused and slightly interested is an understatement. I guess I don’t need to take a taxi home right this second. I’ll at least hang around for one more beer, which I notice his buddy buys for me immediately.

His name is Kurt. He doesn’t seem overly intoxicated, and I quickly learn that he has just moved back into town after getting his heart broken. Awesome, how can I not want to help this bleeding heart? Kurt is unconvinced that he will ever find ‘the one’ with beautiful curly hair who has her shit together. Could this be a match made in heaven? I think so!

After two cold beers, which his friend bought for me, and an hour of relatively educated conversation, Kurt asks for my number. Just because I swore off giving out my number last weekend, doesn’t mean I should miss this golden opportunity. This is different. I’m not smashed for one. We haven’t had a sloppy make out session. I know what I am doing...by at least 70 percent! I give Kurt my number.
Kurt follows the rules and calls, suitably two days later. I follow the rules by letting it go to voicemail.

“Hey Jenny, this is Kurt. It was so wonderful meeting such a real girl, with, I must say, gorgeous curls. Let’s get together soon!” He proves to be persistent…and interested, following up later that same week, asking me out for the upcoming Friday.

“Of course!” I reply to my voicemail, “Yes! Thanks for asking!”

Kurt thinks we should meet at his house. I suppose I have the impression we’ll meet somewhere near my place. As he reminds me though, I do live a whopping thirteen miles away from the party center. It is better if I come his way. We agree to meet outside a popular little coffee house downtown.

While driving, fixing my makeup and glancing in the rearview mirror to separate my curls, my phone rings. “Hey can we just meet outside my house on the street and drive down together? Parking is really bad downtown.”

This makes sense in my head, or well it sort of does. Wait, does it make sense? “Sure, why not, I’ll come there.” Pulling onto his street, I spot Kurt standing on the sidewalk, hands in pockets, wearing an oversized leather jacket. Is that him? Hmmm, I don’t recall him looking like that. He looks a little bit creepy. Well let’s give this a shot. I’m trying to be open-minded, and after all, I am dating, right?

As I step out of my car, assuming he will drive, I hear, “Oh, I actually got a really great parking spot outside my house, and well, they are so hard to find late at night, would you mind driving?” Um, is this red flag number one or two? You decide since there are plenty more to come.

“Oh, okay, sure, no problem, hop in.” Kurt starts directing me to take a secret way downtown. Now most of you are probably thinking this is his way to conjure up pulling over in the dark for a high school make out session. But I’m quickly realizing that this guy doesn’t want to pay for parking and would rather walk 8 blocks to get to the bar.

“Let’s park up here and walk,” he says expectedly. “I could use the air, and it’s a great chance for us to talk and get to know each other before we get into a loud bar.”

“Okay I agree.” Ahh, that’s really kind of romantic! I happily begin to stumble the eight blocks. Why on earth did I wear these new shoes though? I can feel tiny blisters forming after the first block. Focusing on the pain in my feet, I try to multitask and listen to Kurt’s life story. The story is so moving, that to this day I can’t remember a single word of it.

Oh good, there it is! We are finally nearing ‘Kurt’s bar’ as he likes to call it. It’s a great little Sing-A-Long bar with two guys and a piano, who sing classics with so much heart the audience is forced to join in! However, the closer we get to the front door, the more aware I am of the panic setting into Kurt’s face. He is ferociously padding his pockets, looking in his leather jacket in distress. “What’s wrong?” I ask.

“Well I guess I forgot to get cash before coming down here, and it’s a $5 cover.” Well how could he have remembered, considering I drove? I’m sure it would have been an automated stop if we had been in his car. I shrug, so I’m out $10, big whoop!

“No problem, I’ll pay the cover and you buy inside, is that a deal?”

Kurt looks not only shocked, but rather enthralled. He quickly throws his arms around me, “Wow that is super cool; you are such a great girl!” YAY, this is going well! I’ve gotten my first compliment and barely had to go out of my way!

I pay the measly $10 for our cover, and we enter the party scene. The room is cheerful, with piano music and sing-a-long. It’s a modern day “Sound of Music”! Everyone is singing and clapping with smiling faces. This is going to be a lot of fun! At this moment I officially let my guard down and decide to allow myself to enjoy the evening.

As we make our way thru the crowd, I admire Kurt giving high five’s to every guy and girl in passing, shouting hello’s in all directions. What is he, Norm from “Cheers”? After a bit of searching, we find a table in the furthest corner. The service isn’t what you would call great. In fact, it’s downright awful. I sit, eagerly waiting for the waitress for 20 minutes, while Kurt continues his life story and I daydream of that first cool, refreshing, light beer touching my lips. Once the waitress arrives, I am not about to take chances.

“I will have two Miller Lights in bottles, please.” By ordering two I am actually helping the waitress, minimizing her having to come back so often!

“I’ll have two jack and cokes.” Okay, maybe this is good; he’s apparently not intimidated by my ability to drink. But ordering two hard alcohol beverages? This should be interesting. Despite my thinking that this date has already had some problems, it begins to get worse.

The waitress heads over to our table.

“Hey kids, can I get a credit card from one of you to start a tab?”

Again Kurt pads the pockets of his jacket and jeans, then slapping his hand to his forehead stresses, “I think I left my wallet at home on my nightstand! I honestly can’t believe this.” Yeah? Well I honestly can’t believe this either. Now I am in a catch 22. I am craving a beer so badly that I simply cannot leave without at least one, and yet I’m going to pay? Yes, that’s what I’ll do. He can buy dinner next time. There will be a next time, won’t there? Sure! Why wouldn’t there be? I’m obviously sweet and understanding. At which point I whip out my credit card.

“Here Miss, please just take mine.”

As the beer rejuvenates my belly and brain, I start to clap and sing along to the piano music. I may as well try to have a good time and enjoy these two beers I just treated myself to. Meanwhile, I notice that Kurt is continuously checking his cell phone, for what I am unaware. In any case, I am quietly contemplating the exit I will make as soon as I polish off my drinks.

Suddenly, grabbing his phone, Kurt stands abruptly, “Excuse me, I need to step outside and make a call.”

“Okkkkkaaaaaaaayyyyyyyy.” What on earth does this mean?

I sit at my corner table, feeling confused and very alone. I restrain the lump in my throat and tears in my eyes. How did this happen? How did I allow this again? Why on earth do I see so much good in everyone? Pull it together Jenny. He’s going to be right back, pull it together!

Fifteen minutes later, Kurt still hasn’t returned. Unfortunately who has returned is that damn waitress, who keeps bringing me beers two at a time without asking. However, I don’t exactly refuse them either. Not only now am I buzzed, but I’ve apparently been stood up amidst this date, and I’m about to fall apart in what must be the happiest bar on earth. An additional fifteen minutes go by, and I ask the waitress to close my tab. Looking up, I see Kurt saunter back with his shoulders down and his mouth hung low.

“What happened? Where did you go?” Kurt sits and stares at me questioningly. He looks as if he may even stand to physically hit himself in the head. I’m desperately looking around, back and forth, for the candid camera; this simply can’t be happening.

“Um, maybe I have the wrong impression here,” he says, pointing at himself, then me, “but are you and I…well, are we on a date?”

Need to read my reaction and what happens next? “No Job, No Car…No Problem!” to be released the summer of 2008…
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